|
|
Brookside
Episode 18 Prog opens in the Corkery. Jackie is ironing and Linz is polishing her pistol. Jimmy comes in. Jackie - I could've been head barmaid at the Rovers if I'd stayed Linds - Yer keeps on telling us ma. You and Betty Turpin would be like twins, what with you looking so rough. I'm going to own that club you know. Jimmy - Don't you be so rude to yer ma. I happen to like older looking women. Jackie - I am not looking old Linds - I'm going to own that club you know. (Camera closes in on the ironing table. Jackie is pressing Linds' bullet proof brassiere. It resem Scene ends) (Next Scene The Musgroves. Ma is on the phone) Ma - Hellooooh. Is that 'Can't Cook Won't Cook'? The tv programme? Where people as can't cook learn along with people as can cook? Well I'd like.... to apply. I cannot cook. (Camera pans to the carpet. A pea is squashed into the carpet, walked through from the kitchen on Matt's size 10s. It is on the verge of death. It raises its wee arms and reaches out for the cameraman's help. "Help me, I'm dying," it screams. End of scene) (Next Scene The home of Rose Finniegan. Scene opens with a wide sweep of the lounge to allow us to see how affluent Rose is. The camera pauses on a picture of Judy Finniegan, displayed proudly on the mantlepiece, directly under a beatiful picture of a clown with a tear in his eye.' Rose - 30 grand, a Mini Metro and 2 dozen pallets of lager Linds - It's not enough. I want more Rose - I can't, Lindsay. Be reasonable. I know what you want, what you really really want, but I'l tell you what you'll get, what you'll really really get Linds - a ziggy a zaggy a ziggy zagzoo (Linds and Rose get up and have a wee dance together. At the end of the dance, Rose fondles Linds' breasts. Linds kisses Rose, but her great big teeth get in the way and she ends up biting Rose. This spoils the moment for Rose somewhat, and she withdraws her hand.) Linds - 30 grand, a XR3, and 3 dozen pallets of lager - but none of that Kwik Save own brand stuff. Rose - Done (she thrusts out her hand to shake on the deal, but Linds misinterprets and puts her arms around Rose, her other hand sliping up her thighs. They are interuppted by a Glasgow accented voice coming from another room.) Callum (for he is the voice owner) - Aw right Rosey doll Rose - Callum! Callum - Rosey doll! Linds - Callum! Callum - Lindsay doll! Rose - what are.... Linds - ...you doing here? Callum - I bet you thought that I was deid. Well I'm no'. I escaped out of that container that you locked me in with Bartry Grant in that video special which everyone's saying was poor quality and not really worth the money. I've been up to Scotland for a while, staying with my cousin Rab. Linds - Yer are a dirty stinky lowlife of a jock. The last time I saw you, yer were just about to mount me having dropped yer pants to reveal the most pitiful looking tool I've seen since Neville Gardiner tried it on with me. Callum - It's not pitiful - it's delightful. Mary doll told me so Linds - It's not what I'm used to, I'm a gangster yer knows Callum - I'm a gangster Rose - I'm a gangster All - We're all gangsters Linds - I'll have you Callum Callum - I wouldn't touch you with a ten foot caber, lady. Rose - Stop! This is a meaningless dialogue that fails to move the plot along, especially for viewers who were wise enough not to buy the video spe_cial and don't really know what was going on and all of the background to this current storyline. Linds - Well, in that case the deals off. Rose - We could've been so good together Linds (Licking lips) - Yer..... I know. (She picks up her violin case and walks out. Camera zooms in on Callum who, unaware of the camera directions is busy picking his nose. Scene ends.) (Next Scene - BBC Studios. Ma Mus and Matt Mus are at reception) Receptionist - (Sharply) - Yes? Ma - We're here to seeeee Ashley the Cook Matt - Ye Receptionist - Name? Ma - Niamh Musgrove, and this is my boy Matthew, he's innocent you know. Matt - ye. I've never been with a woman except in my fantasies. Any chance of a date? Receptionist - I beg your pardon? I don't speak Liverpudlian. Try to speak slowly Ma - Never mind, never mind that. We're here to see Ashley. receptionist - sit yonder (Ma and Matt sit as ordered) Matt - When will we be on Ma? Ma - Well not this episode, Matt. The scriptwriters want to turn the cookery programme into a week long special. Matt - Why do they bother, Ma? Ma - Why indeed? 4.2 million people ask this question regularly and no-one's got a satisfactory answer yet. (Camera pans to the receptionist. She is on the phone to her friend, filing her nails.)l Receptionist - well, I said to her, I said .'Babs,' I said, 'I really think you've got a lovely voice. Why don't you make a record? Eastenders is one thing, but Top of the Pops is quite another.' (End of scene)
(next scene Susannah's. Sus and Jason are making love on the kitchen floor.) Jason - Snarl snarl Susannah - oh oh og aaaaaaah Jason - snarl, yer a a nishce pieshce of shtuff for an older thing. Yer are quite sheckshy Shushannah Susannah - Do you really oooh ahhh oh think we should be doing this? I am your fiancee's employer and you are my builder's son. Jason - Relacksh Shashannah, it'sh all right. No-one'll know. Susannah - Oooooooooh Jason - Snarl snarl grunt grunt grunt
(Camera pans to front door. Katrina is letting herself in, and Greg is behind her, having come over to fix a loose spring on Susannah's bed. They step into the hall, and immediately fall into a passionate embrace - oblivious to Jason and Susannah's presence.) Greg - Yer are a lovely piece of crumpet Trine Trine - Yer are a lovely piece of beefcake Greg, and yer are better equipped than Jason Greg - Yer well, you know how it is Trine - and you use it so much better Susannah - You are so much better than your dad at this Jason - Yesh, well you know how it ish. (Suddenly Susannah reaches a climax, and she screams at the top of her voice. Greg hears this, and the fright causes him to fall into the lounge, with Katrina on top.) Susannah - Greg! Jason - Trine! Trine - Susannah! Greg - Jason! (next scene Linds back home) Linds - I'm going to own that club, you know Kylie - yer mummy yer are Linds we'll be rich one day, oh yes we'll be rich. Kylie - me get a new dolly when you own that club mummy? Linds - yer'll have a wendy-houseful, Kylie love. I'm going to own that club you know (Music fades in. Camera closes in on Kylie who is drawing a picture of her mummy with a machine gun shooting a gaggle of gangsters. Programme ends
|