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Brookside
Episode 12 (Programme opens with Linz polishing her pistol. Jackie comes down stairs, arms full of washing.) Jackie - aw right love? Linz- aw right our mam Jackie - oh good, we're both aw right Linz - well Jackie - Yes? Linz - I'm not aw right Jackie - oh my god, it's drugs isn't it? Linz - no, our mam, it's Peter. I suspect him of doing that Franki one a few favours, and I don't share my men with any other women. I'll have to do something about it. Jackie (seeing gun for the first time) - you don't mean......? Linz - yes. I'm going to sort 'er out. (Scene ends with the camera closing in on Jackie's pile of washing. Jimmy's pants are on the top. They are disgusting, and only fit for a geography teacher to wear who has been traipsing round the mountains of Belgium for 3 months.) (Next Scene the Musgroves. They are living in a wigwam in the back garden of the Corkhill house as Silver the goldfish has evicted them.) Ma - But I was young and I found myself pregnant. Our Rose offered to take Luke in and what could I do? You were lying drunk on one of your benders, Grandpa was moaning away in the background as usual and I owed 30 bob to the Littlewood's Catalogue. When Rose said she'd buy Luke for 2 quid I thought I'd landed on my feet. I lost him once and I don't want to loose him again. Grandpa - Now listen to me. Joey, yer are a loser and yer are a drunk and yer have never been a good husband. and you, Niamh are a pain in the back passage. I wish I'd never sent you to Belfast Bessies's Better Diction School when you were only 7 but yer mam was keen to improve you. To think that when she was on her death bed dying of lead poisoning and brain fatigue you were busy stepping out with that Joey. And listen to you nooooow. The way you emphasise the last syllable of every sentence really annoys me. And Luke is a waste of that donkey jacket of his. He's been nothing but trouble since he was conceived on the back seat of me Triumph Herald (what I was paying up on the HP) way back in the late 1970's. Ma Shadwick - Yer were nothing but an animal last night. Yer lucky they didn't call the busys. Greg - Yer well, they need putting out of here Ma Musgrove - Yer should've called the police. Joey - Yer well no-one ever calls the police in Brookside Ma Musgrove - but my boys didn't do it. (Next scene Bar Brookie) Mike - I'll slip you one on Friday, Rachael Rachael - well, I don't know. I hope you'll tell me about it, but I'm not convinced I want to know. (Benny and Joey appear in the bar) Benny - Get me a beer and a double whisky and a packet of dry roasted peanuts Joey - I've no money Benny - Get it. Although you've no money, just get it Joey - Okay Benny - (gulping drinks in 3 seconds) - Okay, I'll see yer next week (menacingly) back to normal Niamh (appearing) - Hello Joey Joey - Hello Niamh. What are you doing here? Niamh - well since Mr Smith had a stroke at the age of only 58 and is now in a nrsing home, I've felt unhapy at work. I was his right hand man, even though I couldn't read, write, count, speak properly, communicate with anyone or smile. Of course my new false teeth ahven't helped, but we can manage with your three jobs driving taxis and delivering milk and modelling underwear for the Littlewoods catalogue. (Scene ends with Joey looking worried. Nikki Shadwick sees his worried look, and misinterprets it as a sign that he may have been the rapist. She screams yet again. Camera pans to Linz shaking hands with someone.) Linz - Okay, goodbye. And thank you for applying for the post of stylist. I'll discuss it with me business woman partner and get back to you Rachael - was that another successful business meeting? don't tell me. Linz - Ye, I'm a successful business woman me. Greg (appearing from the lavvies) - I've just been to the lav. I had a big pee, and now I'm ready to go carpentering again. Linz - Oh hi. I want a quote for a beautiful top of the range kitchen. Something nice like what Susannah has, only I want the best, cause me mam has always had to make do. It won't be like that for me and Kylie. And now that I've dumped Peter I can spend all the money I want on home improvements. I got it from a drug dealer in a holdall you know. Greg - err ye. (seeing Joey) I hate dem Musgroves Linz - Yer me too. I'm going bump them off. I am going to bite their balls off with my really big horsey teeth. Greg - Me too Linz - and then I'll spit them out and bury them under the patio Rachael - (overhearing from the bar) - I'll give yer a hand this time. It would be nice to actually know something this time. (Programme ends with Linz sharpening her teeth using Greg's grinding stone. Rachael is jumping up and down with excitement thinking she's going to know something. She looks a bit Tinky Winky.) (Music and credits. A voice over during the credits informs us that~ 'Till death us do part: My life on Ron's head' is a new video which tells the tale of Nev's rise to fame, from his first appearance as a pubic hair through to his rise to fame as a fully fledged rug. This video is available from all good stockists and costs only £15.99 for those daft enough to purchase it.)
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