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Brookside
Episode 14 Programme opens in the Corkhill House at 6.55 pm. Jackie is rushing around setting the table, adding salt to the mince, fixing her hair and bathing in the sink. Jimmy is cutting his toenails using the tin opener, and Kylie is sitting quietly in the corner, her head spinning around constanly through 360 degrees.) Jimmy - So what have yer prepared Jackie? Jackie - err well Tuna cocktail to start... Jimmy - yer wot? Jackie - err I couldn't get prawns. Then mince and potatoes to follow Jimmy - Mince? It's hardly middle class, is it? Jackie - and jelly with carnation milk for pudding Jimmy - Jelly????? Oh for god's sake Jackie, you are so working class. You'll be suggesting brown sauce with the mince next Jackie - er yes, but I took it out off the bottle and placed it into a jam jar with a teaspoon. Jimmy - I just know that you're going to show me up Jackie. You are nothing but a... now what was the word Karen used.... a philistine. (Kylie enters from the extension. She is wearing a little nurse's outfit and is all covered in blood. Her head swivels through 360 degrees as usual) Kylie - What's grandpa saying grandma? Jackie - oh he says I'm a Palestine Kylie Kylie - I need some thread and a needle. I'm just about to sew it back up Jackie - sew what love? Kylie - Next door's cat Jackie - oh, love. Are yer playing vets again? Kylie - Me not, playing. Me really are a vet Jackie - Yer, of course yer are love. Here's yer needle and thread. Jimmy - She'll go far that one Jackie - well as long as she has nothing to do with drugs I'll be happy. It's all drugs drugs drugs you know. That's what causes all the troubles in the world (Scene ends with Jackie fishing several pieces of Jimmy's toenail out of the mince.) (Next scene Karen and Travis at home. They live in a very posh house somewhere, with Bohemian wall coverings, carvings, Ikea furniture, post modern paintings and other objet d'art to suggest in a stereotypica way, the trappings of middle class and effette living.) Karen - I'd like you to tell me what you think of Jimmy. He's very non-pretentious academically, pretends to be a bit basic, you know the type. He's able to speak to the proletariate in their own language - all double negatives and disjunctive pronouns! Travis - (in a very lispy voice) Oh he sounds like a scream! Karen - I gave him a few books last week, and he pretended not to heard of either Chaucer or Shakespeare! Oh how I laughed. Travis - perhaps he hadn't Karen - Oh Travis, you are so funny (Scene ends with Karen and Travis giggling away to themselves. The camera closes in on a statuette of an African god. The face seems familiar...... it seems strangely like Jimmy Corkhill.) (Next Scene, the Garage. Cassie is serving behind the counter, the first time she's been seen since her old ma was murdered by Mick Johnson. Jackie enters, hair a mess, wearing her old trackie and trainers. She resembles Jacqui Dicko of old.) Cassie - Oh hi Jackie, it's nice to see you (she bursts into tears) *boo hoo* Jackie - What's wrong love? Cassie - Oh I've never really got over me mam's death. She was murdered by Mick Johnson and my sister who's name I've temporarily forgotten. And every time I see an old haggard woman I think of her. Jackie - Poor Cassie Cassie - and then when you walked through the door (she breaks into a hysterical wailing). Jackie - (catching a sight of herself in a mirror) Yer, I feel like that meself. It's living with Jimmy that does it, what with his drugs and all that nonsense, and now he's turned all arty farty and posh. Cassie (suddenly brightening up) - Yes, there's always somebody worse of then yourself. At least I'm not married to Jimmy. Jackie - Ye, yer right. Anyway chuck, must rush. I've a dinner party to organise, and I've run right out of margarine. I've have this tub of Stork please. Cassie - (ironically) Yer pushing the boat out, aren't yer? Jackie - Well, I could buy the economy cheapo brand, but Jimmy wants to impress our guests. Cassie - 39 pee please. (Interior shot ends with camera panning to a car pulling up onto the forecourt. It is Karen and Travis.) Karen - Just fill it up Travis Travis (seeing Jackie coming out of the garage shop) - Oh look Karen, a working class person. How frightfully quaint! Karen - Oh yes. I bet she smells of coal and sweat and tripe with onions. Travis - Oh I'd love to hear her speak! It would be such a wonderful case study! Karen - Let's speak to her! (They get out of the car, and shout Jackie over) Travis - I say, woman. Come on over here Jackie - Yer wot love? Me? Karen - Would you check the oil please? Jackie - Oh no, I don't.............. Travis - Look my good woman, check the oil, and do it now! Jackie - No, I can't..... Karen - I say. You are a simple working class bit of rough, and we pay your wages. Now open that bonnet, and check the oil. If you don't Travis will have you horse whipped. Jackie {resigned to her lot in life} oh very well (she checks the oil, and lays the Stork on top of the carburettor. After she's finished, she puts the bonnet down, forgetting her tub o' marge.) (Scene ends with Jackie wiping her oily hands onto her tracksuit bottoms, and Travis gives her a 10 p. tip) (Next Scene Jimmy in the kitchen talking to Kylie) Jimmy - .... and the man turned around and gave you these lovely steaks, did he? Kylie - yes, he gave me those steaks and they don't come from the cat I was operating on earlier. Jimmy - Oh Kyles, you're so funny! (Jackie comes back) Jimmy - Where've you been? Jackie - Oh some toff made me bend over his car and gave me 10p. (Jacqui Dixon pops her head around the back door) Jacqui - I could've got yer a fiver for a quickie. I'll be your pimp if yer like Jimmy - No way! I'll be a pimp for our Jackie if required, not you Jackie Dixon. You stick to rentawombing Jackie - Oh for goodness' sake, stop arguing you two. I'll manage me own affairs. Anyway, Jacqui, we're having a dinner party with some posh friends of Jimmy's, why don't you join us? Jacqui - Ok. (Scene ends with Jimmy polishing his shoes on the kitchen worktop.) (Next scene the Musgroves. They are engaged in a family conference, discussing the rape as usual, Joey's drinking as usual and Niamh's illiteracy as usual.) Ma - Yer didn't do it Luke Oi didn't do it Joey - I only had the one Matt - I didn't do it either grandpa - Yer all wasters and a bunch of good for nothin's. Kelly - I often wonder why I'm in this programme. All (in unison) - sssshhhhhhhhhhh Luke - Dat Jimmy Corkhill said Oi did it Ma - He's one to talk. It's not so long since he was accused of hanging around wee girls Luke - He swore at me Ma - I'm going to sort him out so I am (Scene ends with Ma looking livid and Joey looking pathetic, both as usual) (Next scene the Corkers again. It is now 7pm, and Jacqui D Jackie C Jimmy and Kylie are sitting around the table awaiting Karen and Travis. The clock ticks and soon it is 8pm.) Doorbell - ding dong Jackie - at last Jimmy - I'll go (he opens the door. It's Karen and Travis) Karen - Jimmy meet Travis - Travis, Jimmy. Jimmy Nice to meet yerrrrr Karen - sorry we're late, but this rough looking working class biddy tried to check our oil and poured a tub of cheap margarine into the carburettor! Travis - Yes a real old dog of a woman. Jimmy - How terrible. Anyway, come in and meet the wife. (Karen and Travis meet Jackie. They all recognise one another, but no-one mentions it) Jimmy - This is Jackie the wife, Jacqui Dixon local proper businesswoman, and our Kylie, our grand-daughter and champion shooter at the Brookie primary school. Karen - lovely to meet you all Travis - super Jimmy - here sit down. Oh dearie me I've left me books lying around. Just wait until I put my War and Peace and Greek Tragedies away, and oh there's me copy of the Times Educational Supplement and me Telegraph. Oh and how careless, I've not put Jane Eyre away since last night I can't put it down. Karen - Glad to see you're reading so much Jimmy Travis - gosh you do read a lot Jimmy. Does Jinty read much? Jimmy - It's Jackie. And no, not really She's not what you call educated like me. Jackie - I like a good Mills and Boon with a box of choccies for a special treat (Scene closes with Kylie hiding the cat's carcass behind a cushion on the sofa) (Next Scene Ron's flat. Ron is trying on a new wig, and Neville the wig is furiously jumping up and down cursing) Ron - I need to ask Jacqui what she thinks Neville - She's at Jimmy Corkhill's tonight Ron - well, I'll just pop on my new frock and wonderbra and pop around there just now. (Scene ends with Ron straightening his new wig and slipping the wonderbra on.) (Back to the Corkies'. They are all eating their first course, which is tuna cocktail.) Travis - of course I could have married her, but I decided that life as a member of the royal family was not for me Jimmy - yer wouldn't wanna be one of the ruling elite would yer? Travis - No, I wouldn't Jacqui D - Yer well I would. I'd love ter boss people around all day long Karen - so what do you do, Jacqui? Jacqui - Oh I'm a proper local business woman. I buy and sell. I'll sell anythink for money. But not drugs. I'd never go as far as selling drugs. I leave that to Jimmy here Jimmy - I don't do drugs no more Karen - Oh I say Doorbell - ding dong Jackie - I'll go (and she does. It's Ma Musgrove) Ma Mussie - My boy didn't do it Jimmy - he's a rapist Ma Mussie - I don't know how you can accuse anyone of amything Jimmy Corkhill. It's not so long since you were in jail for dealing in drugs Jacqui D - and yer did kill me brother, Our Tony Jackie - and there was those burglary charges Jimmy - I don't do drugs no more Kylie - And you and me mam got lots of money from the man with the gun and the holdall in the Lost Weekend video. Ma Mussie - So leave off my boy Doorbell - Ding dong Jimmy - My turn this time. (true to his word, he answers the door. It is Ron in his best drag outfit.) Ron - I've come to see our Jacqui Jacqui - Oh hiya dad Ron - What are yer doing having yer tea with this Corkhill creep for? This drip who pretends to be a teacher but he hasn't even got a degree! Travis - oh I say. (Jackie serves up the steaks with the mashed potato and mushy peas, and all tuck in. Ron and Ma Mussie sit down on the sofa for a blether) Travis - this is a really unusual steak. What is it? Jimmy - Oh I'm not sure, err Jackie does the catering Jackie - err yes. They're ehh, I'm not sure. What did you say they were, Our Kylie? Kylie - (in a strange croaking voice) - The man didn't say oh no he didn't tell me but I know that they're not cat steaks and the cat didn't die and I haven't hidden it behind the cushions. Karen - They're so funny at that age aren't they? (Ron and Ma Mussie sit down on the sofa for a blether. Ron tries to put his arm around Ma Mussie, and he touches the cat. He pulls out the dead carcass, and mistakes it for.......... Neville) Ron (muttering to the cat carcass so no-one wil hear him) - what are you doing here? I thought you were staying in tonight . Now get up onto my head and shut up. (he lifts the poor dead cat onto his head.) Ma Musgrove - Pardon? Ron - Oh nothing . I was just thinking aloud Ma Musgrove - anyway, I told them my boys didn't do it. Nice dress by the way. It's a very good fit Ron - (smiling in his cute'n'camp fashion) thank you Ma Musgrove - err Ron, why have you got a dead cat on your head? Ron - well of all the bloody cheek. Just cause I wear a wig doesn't mean I should stand for all the insults going. I'm off. (Ron stands up, and announces to all theat he's going. They all turn to look at him, and see the cat's entrails dripping down his neck. Travis faints and Karen is sick. Ron storms out) Jimmy (thick and oblivious to what's happening)- yer enjoying yer steak Trav? Just wait for yer sweet pudding Jackie - oh my god, Jimmy Jacqui - are we eating.......? Jackie - the cat...? (camera zooms in onto Jimmy's empty plate. I small patch of cat fur sits next to a leftover dollop of mushy peas. Ma Musgrove laughs the Brookside tune, and Kylie's head spins ferociously on her wee neck.)
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