|
|
Brookside
Episode 11 (Programme opens with Silver the Goldfish in his bowl on his window sill looking out of his window. He is singing.) Silver - I'm forever blowing bubbles, pretty bubbles in the air (Suddenly he stops. He is staring out of the window, and Linz and Jimmy are crossing the road. Scene ends, and cuts to Linz. Linz is talking to Jimmy) Linz - ye, wel I'm not in charge of this part of the manor now, Silver is Jimmy - I can't believe that you've given in to a goldfish. Linz - Yer well, sometimes you gotta leave certain things for a short while. But I'll be back. (Unless you've read Brookie the goldfish special, you won't understand what's going on. It's a bit like that silly Brookie special we've been all conned into buying.) (Jacqui D comes out of Susannah's house.) Jacqui - (Speaking to empty doorway, where Susannah is meant to be standing.) Yer, so I'll get on the phone to the builders straight away and threaten them with solicitors if they don't get around and finish off the club fast. And then I'll nip into town to Lewis's and buy a new turkey baster. Linz - (flashing teeth) - hi Jacqui - (standing with her head raised high so as to disguise her double chins) Hi Lindsay. I'm going to have nip down to the suppliers to order more soft drinks since the last suppliers put tuppence on a bottle. Linz - Yer well I'm off to find Peter. He's been missing for 6 days since he went to view some shopfittings. Jimmy - Careful Linz, careful. We don't want Jacqui being a witness, love. Jacqui - I don't like you Jimmy Corkhill. I'm a proper little businesswoman, I am. (Scene ends with Jimmy's briefcase falling open. His pile of marking falls out, along with a copy of Drug Dealer Weekly.) (Next scene, a hotel bedroom. Peter is caressing the beautiful body of a young woman, who is probably about 32. Her name is Franki. She is wearing a lovely white lacy number, and he is wearing a lovely white lacy number too.) Peter - hee hee hee Franki - girlie giggle, girlie giggle. (Scene ends with Peter's shirt being torn from his body.) (Next scene Sinbad and Mick's bedroom. They are in bed together, and their clothes are all over the place.) Mick - How was it for you, old bean bag? Sinbad - ehh you were great. Mick - (with a slight laugh) - yer, I was, wasn't I? (Camera moves to front door. Tinhead and Leo are entering They see the clothes lying on the floor, and follow the trail upstairs. They burst in on the two lovers.) Leo - Pops you've done it again Tinhead - I say, are you two friends? Mick - It's not what you think, child. We were just talking. Sinbad - Yer Tinhead, it's okay. I've only got eyes for you. (Jacqui Dixon appears.) Jacqui - I was passing and the door was open and I thought yer had burglars. Leo - No, all is well Ms Dixon, all is well Jacqui (realising what was going on) - oh yous two are disgusting so yous are. It's unnatural, and sickening, dat's wot it is. Leo - That's rather strong, Ms Dixon. At least no money's changing hands, and there are no turkey basters involved. (Scene ends with Sinbad getting out of bed, back to the camera and completely naked. His buttocks fill the camera, and indeed most of the room.) (Next scene Ron and Bev. They are sitting in Bar Brookie, eating) Ron - Any luck flat hunting, love? Bev - Not really Neville the wig - Sausages Bev - Ron, I want to move back in with you, but there's one thing I must say Ron - Yer love? Bev - well, I can't move in with yer if yer keep Neville. I'm a veggie and he keeps going on about sausages. (Scene ends with Ron and Bev looking confusedly at each other, and Neville muttering away to himself like Muttley the Dog) (Next Scene a hotel lobby. Linz is peering through the key holes of all the doors. The camera cuts to a key shaped cut out mask through which we see Peter and Franki in a compromising situation. Linzi glares and swears and tears open her blouse. She pulls her gun out of her brassiere and points it at the door lock. She shoots the lock out, and barges in. She points the gun at Franki.) Franki - *scream* Peter - *big camp mincey scream!* Franki - What are you doing here, dear? Linz - I came to find Peter with my repeater. Peter - put down the gun, hun Franki - I told you she was a shady lady Linz - Don't you nag, hag, (Scene closes with Peter looking at Linz, Linz looking at Jacqui, Jacqui looking at an empty condom wrapper on the bedside cabinet, the empty condom wrapper blowing away as Peter farts louder than the Mersy Ferry's foghorn.)
(Next scene Jimmy and Jackie Corkhill. They are sat sitting in the sitting room. Jimmy is frowning, trying to read a book.) Jackie - What's yer book love? Jimmy - It's called Hamlet, by some geezer called Shakespeare. Karen gave it to me at school. Apparently it's a great work of literature Jackie - A great work of ligature? Lovely. What's the story like? I hope it's not one of those dirty books Jimmy Corkhill. (Kylie creeps in the back door. Her head spins through 360 degrees) Kylie - (croaking) I want a glass of water Jackie - I'll get yer a glassa water love Kylie - What's grandad reading? Jackie - Oh it's called a book love. It's by a man called Stakespear and it's called Ham Omelot. It's a cookery book. Jimmy - Yer are thick Jackie. Telling our Kylie things like that. Here yer are, love. Come and play with your machine gun. (Scene ends with Jackie mouthing her catchphrase.) (Next scene the Close. Luke Skygrove and gre are having yet another go at each other. Bev is standing wearin only her bra and panties ironing in one of the gardens.) Greg - Snarl Luke - It wasn't me Greg - Snarl Ma Musgrove - Leave him alone. Bev - (singing) I'm just a girl who can't say no All (in unison) - we know. (Jacqui comes into scene and goes to Susannah's door.) Susannah - come in. G_reg's coming round to check out my plumbing. Jacqui - Okay, I'll come in so we can have our high powered business meeting. I'm a proper little business woman you know. (Scene ends with Bev tickling her nipples with Greg Shadwicks wheelbarrow) (Next scene the Johnsons') Gemma - I'm unable to return to the Pedagogical Institution Pater, with your having been caught in flagrente with Aridbella's mummy and Uncle Sinbad. Mick - I'm frightfully apologetic, old girl, but you really really need to go back. Gemma - Well, if you say so, pops, I shall return. But do try not to shag the mother of anyone else. Mick - Of course, Gemma. Does your headmistres have any children? (Scene ends with Sinbad polishing Mick's head with Pledge and a yellow duster (or a yeller duster as Jacqui would say.) (Next scene Greg's van. Susannah and Greg are making love over a sack of concrete in the back of his van. Greg is wearing Susannah's frock.) Greg - grunt Susannah - it's coming Greg - me too Susannah - no I mean the baby (Scene ends with Greg pulling his trousers up as he jumps into the front of the van.) (Next scene the close. Matt and Luke are clowning around cleaning the car. Nikki comes out of the Shadwicks', and the Musgroves stop what they are doing and stare at her as usual. She has a flashback. She thinks she sees THE RAPIST! Jacqui draws up in an armoured car. Linz is the passenger. A chamois leather is thrown by Luke and accidentally wraps itself around Lindsay's face. The effect is amazing.) Luke - oops sorry. Dat was a accident dat was. Lindsay - You'll be sorry for this rapist Luke - Oi didn't do it Matt - Yer are a gangster - chief lynch mob mistress Lindsay - You trying to be funny Musgrove? Matt - You're too thick to appreciate sarcasm. Jacqui - How dare you speaak to my assistant like that? I'm a proper little businesswoman I am. Linz - err, I'm yer partner not yer assistant Jacqui - are not Linz am too (scene ends with Jacqui and Linz fighting in the street. It lowers the tone of the street which is no easy task.) (Next scene - the chippie) Tinhead (serving a customer with cold chips) - Jolly good sir, and may I sprinkle your french fried potatoes with sodium chloride? Punter - *mumble* Leo - I say, it's frightful what happened to Miss Shadwick at that record hop Tinhead - I'd jolly well like to give the bounder who did it a bunch of fives, that's for sure Leo - Perhaps we ought not to judge so harshly. There is no evidence to implicate anyone in the alleged felony Tinhead - I hope it wasn't you old chap you're acting a bit strange (Bev enters. She is wearing a bright orange, leather catsuit.) Bev - a veggie burger and chips please Leo Leo - Spiffing cat suit Miss Bev. I do so fancy ladies in leather. Bev - Yer, it's me going to court suit - Ron bought it me Tin - I certainly would like to pull your zip down with my teeth and my hands ties behind my back whilst wearing your unwashed underwear. (Anthea comes in) Anthea - a mince and tater pie and mushy peas please. bev - I only eat veggie food Anthea - my God. You're wearing me cat suit Bev Yours? Anthea - Yes, Ron and I make love whilst I wear it. Bev - Well, here yer are. (She strips off, revealing her flabby upper arms and other bits to Leo and Tinners.) Anthea, oh goodness, you've stretched it beyond all recognition. It's a size 8 and you must be a size 14 at least. (Suddenly there is a mumbling from the fridge) Anthea - don't open the fridge. Leo - But I must, there is an aural sound coming therefrom and I feel obliged to investigate the cause thereof. (Leo opens the frdige door slightly) Voice from frdige - and about time too. Myself is feeling the cold in here (The door is oened further. The camera closes in onto......... Neville) Leo - what are you doing in our fridge, Mr Gardiner. Are you not the wig of Mr Dixon Bev - Eh Nev, what you doing 'ere? Nev - I've run away from Ron and Bev and Anthea. I'm fed up having to watch Ron making love to them, when I'm... I'm... I'm impotent. Anthea - Oh Nev Bev - Oh Nev Leo - Oh I say, Mr Gardiner. I'm certainly not impotent. I just need to hear a female name and I'm away to the lavatory for a chug Tinners - I also. (Scene ends with Leo looking guilty) (Next scene - the close Jason is frothing at the mouth, spitting through clenched teeth as usual {Note: Jason only has two facial characteristics viz. normal and spitting through clenched teeth.}) Jason - It's time we chucked them Musgroves out. Our Nicki has done nothing but whine since she was raped and it's doing me 'ead in. Greg - ye, me too. Yer ma does nothing but go on about our Nikki and John Prescott. She has no time for me any longer (Greg's eyes fill up with tears, and he and Jason look at each other. Jason hugs his dad in a very 'male-bonding' sort of way. Jacqui Dixon strolls past) Jacqui - Dat's disgusting dat is - incest and homosexuality. It was bad enough wit dat Nat and Georgia Simpson and dat Trevor Jordache. Greg - It's not what you think, love. And even if it was, at least no money is changing hands. Jason - C'mon dad, we've got work to do. Greg - Yer, it's time we broke into dat Musgrove house, ruined every thing in it, broke all the furniture and turned the whole house upside down. Tinhead (appearig from the walkway from the chippie) - Jolly good. I'm going to give those Musgrove chappies a frightfully good hiding. (Greg, Tinhead and Jason break in and start throwing things about. Grandpa Musgrove and young Miss Musgrove stand and quiver in the garden.) Greg - Dirty Musgroves Jason - Filthy animals (The Musgrove clan appear out of the alley) Luke - Them Shadwicks are throwing us out Matt - ye, let's do em one Luke sure ting (The Musrgroves attack the Shadwicks and give Jason and Greg a proper thumping. We are glad. However, Ma Shad and Ma Mus appear just as the action gets good.) Ma Mus - Stop iiiit. Ma Shad - Stop it. This is no way to go shot of these vagabonds. John Prescott was saying only last week how we need an integrated transport policy where new railway lines and built, meaning that people like the Musgroves can move into railway arches. Ma Musgroves - My boooooys didn't dooooo iiit. They're innnnnnocent so they arrrre Ma Shad - put the television down Greg Greg (flings tv to the ground)- certainly, and stop going on about John bloody Prescott Nikki (appearing from god knows where, she wasn't in the scene before) - oh my god, I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I'm a slapper so I am. (Programme ends with Mrs Shadwick showing a passing stranger her autograph book, containing both John Prescott's and Robin Cook's signatures. {This is a clue to a future Brookside special- Ma Shadwick and Robin Cook: the Lost Weekend})
|