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Brookside
Episode 17 (Prog opens with Ma Musgrove looking at a raw carrot, onion, potato and lump of dead sheep. She picks up a pan, and places it upside down on the cooker. She sits the food things on the pan's bottom. Joey comes in.) Joey - What are ye doing, woman? Ma - I'm trying to make an Irish stew Joey - but, the pot's upside down Ma - oh it's no use, I'll never get to grips with the cooking lark. It's no good Joey, I just have to admit it - I can't cook. Joey - ye can learn woman Ma - I'm 42 years old, and I don't know how to use basic kitchen utensils. I don't even know which one of those vegetables is a parsnip and which is a leek. I am a failure. Joey - Ye are woman, but you've got lovely breasts, and besides.... Ma - yes? Joey - ye could learn to cook woman. Dey run classes down the community centre for cookophobes like you. (Scene ends with Joey approaching Ma, arms outstreched, hands cupped.) (Next scene the Corkers' home) Jackie - I am run down and scabby Linds -yer are mam, yer are. I'm going to own that club you know. Jimmy - yer are an awful sight our Jackie. Here tear up me certificates and cheer yerself up Linds - Yer are so kind to me mam, dad. I'm going to own that club you know. Jimmy Yer right she doesn't deserve me, not a bit Linds - Why don't ye go for a swim ma? It'll help to tighten up yer flab. I'm going to own that club you know. Jackie - I used to be young, and I went out with a man what has his own business now. He didn't forge no stificats neither he did. Linds - Me dad was using his inititative. He worked hard for that certificate. I'm going to own that club you know. Jimmy - Lindsay, yer are me favourite daughter, always agreeing with her dad. Linds - I'm going to own that club you know. (Jackie storms of, banging doors, thumping feet and no-one notices) Jimmy - aren't yer worried about dem Finnegans, Linds? Linds - well, not really. I mean I know they're criminals and vandals and gangsters and they eat people like me for breakfast, but I think I can handle them. Rose is okay, and Callum's ok too. They'll be fine with me Jimmy - yer, but what if things turn nasty and hey bring in big sister? Linds - Big sister? She won't be interested in small fry like us, will she? Jimmy - well, I'm not so sure. Big Judy can be a nasty piece of stuff - look at what she's done to Richard. (Scene ends with the camera panning to the Corkers' tv set. Instead of the usual rabbits, we see the opening shots of Good Morning. The programme opens on Richard, who has a black eye, and is trembling slightly.) (Next Scene - the petrol station. Ron is busy, when in walks Niamh aka Ma Musgrove) Niamh - Ron, we need to talk Ron - Are yer after more (lowers his voice) ...... gear? Niamh - No ron. We need to talk. Joey's found out Ron - found out? You mean about the frozen food? Niamh - Yes. It's got to stop. You see Ron, Joey's found out..... I can't cook. I don't know one end of cooker from another. Ron - but I can do yer good prices Niamh - no. I need to get honest, Ron. Ron - I'm sorry it's come to this. I could've done yer a good deal on birds eye dinners. {Ron picks up a pack of frozen peas and tucks them into Niamh's bra) Ron - for old times' sake Niamh (clutching Ron's fish fingers) OK. (Scene ends with Ron's frozen baguette spontaneously defrosting.) (Next scene Millennium Club) Jacqui (on mobile phone as per usual) - yer, I'm doing me best Susannah, but I can't hurry the builders any more. Yer I know yer are losing money Susannah but we're all losing money. Yer Susannah, I know yer are desperate, but we're all desperate. Yer Susannah I'll push the builders again. Yer Susannah I am a bit worried in case dem Finnegans are behind it. Yer Susannah, I did have a look at the concrete and it is all aero patterned. Look Susannah, I'll need to go - I've got a rep here. Yes, Susannah, I know yer got a huge bill from your food wholesaler, I had a bit of a rummage when you weren't looking. Look I'll phone later. Bye. Rep - Hi. My name is Al Literation. I am a traveller for Chlorine Cleaning company of Canrevford in Cambridgeshire. I have here a product which turns the water bright green when your customers urinate in the water. Jacqui - My water's clean. It's been passed by the Health Inspector. Rep - Well, if your in it, would you drink it? Jacqui - Well how much does it cost? Rep - 90 pee a dose. Jacqui - Well, give me a thousand doses. I'll give it a try. (Scene ends with rep filling in order form, as Jacqui eyes up his lunch box)
(Next Scene - The Corkers) (Linds is on her mobile phone) Linds - Yer, I know - yer, doing yer best Jacqui, and you can't hurry the builders any more. Yer I know yer are losing money Jacqui but we're all losing money. Yer Jacqui, I know yer are desperate, but we're all desperate. Yer Jacquiyer must push the builders again. Yer Jacqui I am a bit worried in case dem Finnegans are behind it. Yer Jacqui, I did have a look at the concrete and it is all aero patterned. Look Jacqui, you'll need to go - you've got a rep there. Later. (Linz slips the phone into her stocking top. The camera picks up another bulge in the same stocking top. It is a revolver. Scene ends) (Next Scene the Musgroves. Ma is in the kitchen looking at a pile of potatoes, a peeler, a chip pan and a recipe book.) Ma Mussie - now let me seeeeee. Peel the potatoes. But how does this peeler work? (Joey enters the kitchen. How does his usual thing, grabbing Ma Mus by the breasts.) Joey - What's this, woman? Ma - my breasts - you should know that by now Joey - no woman, no. This! (He hauls a pack of frozen peas out of Ma's brassiere) Ma - Oh it's... it's a pack of frozen peas. I forgot they were there Joey - But how did they get here woman, that's my question Ma - Oh Ron put them there... Joey - I thought that was all finished woman Ma - it is. I don't do froen food no more Joey - well what's this woman? Ma - it was my last froen food, honestly Joey. He slipped it in for old times sake. (Joey hurls the peas at the wall. The pack split open, and the peas go everywhere. Just at that Matt walks in) Matt - what the.......? Ma - Yer dad's going mad Matt. He fond more frozen food Matt - but there are peas everywhere Joey - yer mother is nothing but a strumpet - she is Captain Bird's Eye's whore Matt - I'm leaving home. I can't live in a home with all these peas and a drunken dad and a mother who cannot cook Joey - no, son, yer are not leaving home till I have a word with you about growing cannabis in our old home and flooding it and causing us the get turned down by our insurance company. Matt - I did it for this family Joey - did not Matt - did too Ma - STOP. Arguing gets us nowhere. Let's sit down and have a nice cup of tea. I'll make us all something to eat. Matt - But yer can't cook ma Joey - I will eat no more of yer whorish frozen foods (Camera pans onto the peas, now lying scattered on the floor. The camera zooms in onto their little pea world) Pea one - Thawing out nice today, innit? Pea two - Yes, it's going to be nice Pea one - doing anything tonight Pea two - well, I was hoping to be served up with a nice bit of fish tonight Pea one How are the kids? Pea two - oh they're fine. Pea one - I don't know how yyou can tell them apart. They all look like beans in a pod Pea three - mummy, I think I'm needing to go to the toilet Pea one - Just wait Pea three - But I need a pee Pea four (shouting) - LOOK OUT!! {It's too late, for back in the big world, Matt's size 10s flattens them into the linoluem. Peas scream en masse, and theme tune plays) End of programme
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