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Brookside
Episode 16 (Prog starts with Nikki having a flashback) Nikki - It was Luke Granny - ahh well the viewers'll be relieved (Scene ends with Nikki crying as usual) (Next scene Mick at a funeral) Leo - but whose funeral is it? Mick - Some long lost relative that we've never heard of. Leo - But why? Mick - the scriptwriters want to introduce An Issue, and this is their way of doing it. You're involved in The Issue, and will be used as a pawn to work through the plot. Mick - Jerome got a job? Vonnie (a bereaved cousin-in-law we've never heard of) - He's got 4 A levels but can't get a job. (scene ends with 100,000 viewers turning over to Channel 5 as they can't stand being preached to on yet another badly handled social issue.) (Next scene Nikki and Margi) Margi - so it was Luke Musgrove Nikki - ye Margi - I'm going to have to phone John Prescot. He told me to if there was any news. (Scene closes with Margi disappearing behind her hair) (Next scene Ma Musgrove in the kitchen. She is peering into the freezer. She removes a frozen lasagne.) Ma M - Lasagne I think. That'll be Niiiiiice. (An egg living in an egg box on the worktop sighs with relief) Egg - tank goodness, I taught yer were going to eat me Ma M - this is ludicrous. I'm supposed to take seriously the idea that you - a simple egg in a box - can talk Egg - sausages (Joey enters the kitchen) Joey - what yer doing, Neeeeeeeve? Ma M (hiding the lasagne inside her brassiere) - nothing I'm just getting ready to create a lasagne from raw ingredients Joey - Lovely. Have you got everything you need? Ma M - Now let me think - tomatoes, lasagne sheets, celery, mushroom, beef mince, cheeses, herbs... yes I think I've got everything I need Joey - great lovely super Ma M - yes, well get out of my kitchen and let me get on with it. (Joey leaves the kitchen. Niamh opens the frozen lasagne and hides the empty wrapper at the bottom of the bin. Scene ends with a close up of the freezer door.) (Next scene Linzi and Jackie in the Corker Kitchen) Linzi - yer lookig ten years older than yer really are our mam. I think yer're doing too much, what with looking after our wee William on yer own seeing as how me dad's away with Karen his school teacher friend. Yer are needing to do a bit less our mam. Oh and by the way can you take our Kylie to the school? I can't cos I've gorra high powered business meeting with Jacqui Dixon Jackie - yer well I do everything else - at least there's no drugs drugs drugs anymore in this house (The phone goes.) Jackie - 'ello? 'Oos this? If it's about drugs our Jimmy doesn't do drugs no more Jimmy (for it is he on the telephone) It's me our Jackie. I thought I'd phone to see yer are all right Jackie - oh great it's good of yer to phone Jimmy - Yer, well I know worrying makes yer look older than yer are our jackie, and yer are looking old. Jackie - thanks. Jimmy - oh and I need a clean shirt sending Jackie - I'll do it right away Jimmy Jimmy - I'll have to go - Karen's just come into me hotel bedroom. Honest Jack, she's llooking a million dollars, not all haggard like you Jackie - bye Linz - was that me dad? Is he having a lovely time away with his clever friends - all what are brighter than you and younger and better looking (Scene ends with Jackie looking temptedly at a sharp butcher style knife on the worktop.) (Next scene the Musgroves again. Joey and Ma Musgrove are sitting at the table with several sons around eating) Ryan- nice food our mam Danny - great nosh our mam Joey - yer are a lovely cook so ye are Ma - Och it's nothing, so it's not neithr it is no it's not no no Danny -It's great our mam, and much better than..... Ryan - Our Luke..... Joey - [Silent] Danny - will be getting inside Ma - accchhhhh it's just something I through together. [Scene ends with Ma smiling, enjoying the praise, but looking a wee bit guilty at the same time] [Next Scene the jail. Luke is lying on his bunk staring at the mattress of the nonce prisoner above him] Luke - Oi didn't do it Malty (the other prisoner, so called because of his habit of tempting pensionable old ladies into his flat with slices of malt loaf) - Yer keeps on saying Luke - Oi should be at home with me ma... Malty - I should be a home with someone's grandma Luke - ... she'll just have finished making the dinner. She's a grand cook is me ma Malty - all of my old women can cook. Not like all these youngsters with their freezers and microwaves Luke - yer me ma too - she has a freezer and a microwave, but never uses them. [scene ends with Malty picking up a copy of 'Wily Widows': and Luke falling asleep to dream of his Ma's roast beef] [Next scene the Shadwicks} Nikki - I've to go to an identity parade, to pick out a crazed ex fiend who gatecrashes parties but has nothing to do with my rape. Greg - If you're sure babe. I'm nipping over Susannah's, I need to slip a washer on her tap Nikki - but I'm sure that Luke Musgrove did it. Yes I am I'm sure, I'm sure [scene ends with Nikki trying to convince herself Luke did it, as Greg sneaks out of the door] [Next scene The Musgroves again. It is now supper time]
Matt - what's for supper our ma? Ryan - I'm starving our ma, why don't yer rustle up one of yer wonderful surprises. Ma Musgrove - Yes, I will. But..... don't come into the kitchen whilst I'm cooking.... it spoils my concentration. Matt - Sure, I'm too busy watching the rabbits on the telly anyway. Ryan - yer me too me too me too. (Camera follows Ma Musgrove into the kitchen. Camera man trips over Matt's size 10s and curses. Matt, now no longer in role, reverts to his natural voice. It is a high pitched lispy mincey effeminate voice - "thorry,". The camera man retorts 'F***ing hell'. Editing time is expensive, and these sounds and clumsy camera work are left in.)
Ma (raking threw the freezer shouts in a loud voice for Matt and Ryan to hear) - I think I'll knock up a quick ham and egg quiche and some oven scones, boys. (She lifts the appropriate packets out of the freezer and places somethings into the microwave oven. Camera camera zooms in on the frozen quiche as it whirrs merrily inside t'micro. Suddenly... a knock on the back door. Ma Mussie opens it to Ron Dicko.)
Ma - Ron! Ron - Ma Musgrove! Ma - Ron Ron - Do you want any.......... you know Ma - Not now - Joey's in and the boys too Ron - I've got a good deal going in ready meals - 10 for 9 quid or a pound a piece Ma - it's tempting Ron - I've got a black bag full here Ma - Quick, put them in the freezer, hurry up Ron - You've made the right decision. (Ron is shown out of the back door, just as Joey enters kitchen} Joey - What was that? Ma - oh I was just out at the bin, putting out the peelings and the other leftover parts of the food things that I didn't need to make my lovely meals which are cooking for you now and I'll serve up soon. (Joey approaches Ma Musgrove and puts his arms around her waist. He gently squeezes her breasts, and kisses her neck) Ma - not now Joey Joey - but it's been 3 weeks Ma - well just a quickie, but I'm going on top (Joey drops his clothing and lies on the kitchen table. Ma hoists her skirt and impales herself and commences rapid up and down movements. Joey is ecstatic, and enjoys his views into.... the freezer whose door has opened owing to the rapid movements of the coupled couple.) Joey - Niamh! Ma - Joey! Joey - what are those frozen foods doing in the freezer Ma - what frozen foods. Joey (shouting) those ones there woman! (Ryan and Matt rush in, hearing their daddy's shouts) Ryan (seeing the, coupled couple) What yer up to? Matt - (seeing the freezer contents) Dat's disgusting, look at all the scabby meat Joey - Hey, enough of yer cheek young man. Ryan - (seeing frozen food) - my god - you've been giving us conveneience foods! Ma Mus - yes, yes, yes I have. You see....... I cannot cook! (Programme ends with the male Musgroves looking stunned, Ma Mus having an orgasm, and the buzzer on the microwave playing the Brookside tune.)
End.
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