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Brookside
Episode 13 (Programme opens a milk float drawing up outside an unknown house. Joey jumps out, and adjusts his tie, before picking up 2 pints of semi skimmed. He starts walking up the path before changing his mind and returning to the float. He picks up a carton of double cream, and puts it in his overall pocket. He jumps into the air and clicks his heels before walking up the garden path again. He knocks on the door. It is answered by a female aged 50 something wearing a low cut pair of pyjamas.) Joey - Top of the morning to you Annie Annie - Hello, young man, have you time today for a (winks) coffee? Joey - Ah to be sure, to be sure I have. And here's a little extra for you (hands the cream over). (Scene ends with Annie grabbing Joey and yanking him into the house.) (Next scene - Mick Johnson's house. He has what appears to be a wrapped up fish and chips. He opens the pack, and reveals - NEVILLE the wig.) Mick - tee hee. I'm going to have hair again. Neville - Sausages Mick (placing the wig on his shiny head.) Neville (in a husky voice)- Yer a fine looking man, Mick Johnson. Mick (chuckling) Yes, you're right, I am! (Scene ends with Mick picking up a hand mirror and trying to see the back of his head.) (Next scene Ron's house. Ron is wandering around the house in his dressing gown hunting for Neville. Bev is moping around the kitchen) Ron - Have you seen me wig? Bev - Oh i meant to tell you. I was in the chippy yesterday and I saw Neville hiding in the fridge. He said he'd left you cause he was jealous of your virility. He's never going to work for you again. He hates you. I think he's moonlighting over Mick Johnson's head. Ron - You mean, Mick Johnson's poached Neville off me? (Scene ends with Ron laying his bald head into Bev's breasts. The are quite a trio.) (Next Scene - The Susannah house. Susannah is talking to Mick. They are sitting on the sofa smoking fags.) Susannah - I think you're very handsom today, Mick. I feel that there's something different about you. Do you fancy giving me one? Mick - Ooh rather Susannan. I mean we're both free agents are we not, and there would be no complications. (Door bell goes.) Susannah (opening door) - oh hello Ron Ron - is Mick Johnson here? Susannah - yes, come in. Ron - You've pinched my wig Mick - Oh no I haven't. Nev - Oh yes you did! Mick - He wanted to come to work for me Susannah - I knew you looked different today (doorbell goes. Susannah answers. It's Greg) Greg - Oh hi. Can I give yer one? Susannah - Oh yes, let's just nip upstairs while the boys sort this out. (They disappear upstairs, whilst Nev, Mick and Ron fight in the lounge.) Mick - I need Nev with me. I want Luke Musgrove locked up and Nev and me can sort him out together. Ron - I hate them Musgroves more than you and Nev can help me sort them out. Nev - I quite like the Musgroves actually. Myself is convinced that Luke is innocent and Ryan too. Myself doesn't like Joey, but the rest are ok. Myself is a bit of a prat. (Scene ends with Mick and Ron tossing a coin for custody of Nev) (Next scene Annie's. Joey and Annie are in the kitchen drinking coffee. They are holding hands and their body language suggests impending intimacy.)
Annie- It's getting so expensive, is milk. I keep wondering if there's anything I can do for you Joey - Well, we could....... you know Annie - Yes......? (Panting a bit) Joey - talk for a while... (Scene ends with Annie's housecoat falling open a bit.) (Next scene Mick Johnson and Sinbad in the chippie) Mick -I don't know how you can let them Musgroves live in your house Sinbad - Luke's innocent Mick - No he's not he did it. He must've done it, for I'm a bigot and don't believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt Sinb_ad -Oh change the record won't you.. Mick - Our friendship's over Sinbad (Scene ends with camera panning to Sinbad's wee fat face. There is a tear in his eye.) (Next scene the Uni) Nikki (having yet another flashback) - oh my god Harvey - are yer okay? Nikki - *scream (again)* (Scene ends with Nikki tearing through the crowds, in tears shrieking like a banshee as usual) (Next scene Ron's flat. Ron has regained custody of Neville) Ron - I love you Nev Neville - Myself loves myself Bev - I love you Ron Ron - I love Anthea Anthea - I love Ron Neville - Sausages. C'mon over here and I'll show you what to do with a tickle stick, Mrs. Ever been to Knotty Ash, gal? Anthea - Ron, we're getting married Ron - Yer, I know. And I'm completing me sex change tomorrow Anthea - Oh Ron Ron - Oh Eth Bev - Oh for God's sake. I'm going to sort this out once and for all. (Scene ends with the camera closing in on Ron's soon to be removed packet.) (Next scene Bar Brookie) Trine - pint of bitter please Mike - Here. How's Nikki? Still flashing back and whining on about rape and dragging the story out? Trine - Yer. But I'll be abusing Susannah's kids soon, and the spotlight'll move onto me for a while (Scene ends with Trine picking a cherryout of her piny ans swallowing it whole. Mike shudders with lust on seeing this.) (Next scene Jimmy and Jackie's living room) Jimmy - I've invited Karen and her partner over for dinner Jackie - well, I don't finish working at the garage until 1 o' clock, and then by the time I get home Jimmy - No ya silly bitch that yer are. Dinner means tea to us noovoox ritche folk. Jackie - Dinner means tea? What do you call diner then? Jimmy - ehhhh, lunch I think Jackie - So dinner's lunch and tea's dinner. It's all so complicated Jimmy - Yer well I'm moving in new circles now. So get down the deli and grab some scran for our dinner party Jackie - What'll I get, Jimmy? Jimmy - Oh somethink really special, somethink like what Susannah would have. Go round there and ask her. Jackie - Fine, but will I be okay in front of yer fancy work friends? Jimmy - Yer, well dress up a bit, and try not to talk unless your talked too. And put on a bit o' make-up. Jackie - Ah well, at least your not doing drugs drugs drugs no more Jimmy - Err yer, and remember not to say nothink about drugs to Karen and Travis. And don't say anythink about me not having a proper degree and being inside and all that. Jackie - No Jimmy, yer can rely on me (Scene ends with Jimmy picking up a book, and squinting at the front cover.) (Next Scene Annie's. Annie and Joey are lying on the kitchen floor. Joey is resting his head on Annie's breasts) Joey - and then when I was 8 one of me mates started to blackmail me - thruppence a week or else he'd tell me ma that I'd gone behind the bike sheds with wee Molly Maguire Annie - I understand chuck, I understand Joey - And then, when I was 14, I stole some of me dad's Guiness. I drank 3 bottles and was sick all over the furniture, not that we had much in the way of furniture - bare floorboards and orange crates for sitting on. Of course the winter of '63 was so cold we had to burn the furniture. Annie - well at least you had a house, we lived in boxes in the forest (Scene ends with Joey's tongue lightly tickling Annie's nipples) (Next scene the close. Jackie is just leaving Susannah's, and talking into the empty doorway. We are supposed to believe that Susannah is there.) Jackie - yer well tara love. I'll think about what you've said. Avocamonos for starters and Boof Willing-too to follow. (Next scene The Deli. Jackie is wandering around picking up mouldy looking sausages of all sizes, cheese and strange shaped breads.) Assistant (dressed in jeans, Jesus sandals and wearing a lentil necklace) - Yo lady. What're you lookin' fur today? Jackie - oh hiya love. You look very hippy like. i hope you don't do drugs, do yer? Assistant - Yo lady, you don't half have a wicked sense of humour for an older thing. Now what'c'n ah do fur you today? Jackie - Yer well I'm havng a dinner party tonight. Me husband's bringing his work colleague around. He's a teacher yer knows, and he doesn't do drugs no more no more, he's hit the road Jack and doesn'tfo drugs no more.... Assistant - Well, can I suggest some nut pate and sesame rice crackers with organic couscous and lentil dressing? It's a supa starta, and just the thing to revitalise tired and faded skin such as yours. Fur ya main meal, I'd've gone for a dried blue mushroom salad with Nairobian feet-cheese curd served on a bed of fermented Japanese seaweed. Jackie - (getting rather nervous) oh yer? and what about pudding? Assistant - Ya dessert should'be somethin' sensuous and provocative, stimulating and dark whilst resting lightly on ya tum-tum, especially with yo bein' so old an' all. Jackie - Do you know - I think I'll settle for an Irish Stew. Assistant - (accent changing to broad Liverpool) - Yer well, Asda's just around the corner. (Scene ends with assistant scraping mould of a sausage.) (Next scene - Susannah's. She is cursing at the noise of the two kids who are both crying. The doorbell goes, and she opens the door to Greg) Greg - Oh ehh hello. I was just passing on my way to a job in the Wirral and I thought I'd pop in to see if you and the babies were okay Susannah (fag hanging out of the corner of her mouth) - ohhh I'm okay. Come in come in Greg - Hows the new one? Picked a name yet? Susannah - well I've not told Max, since he was having an affair with a woman for 25 years. And I want to name her after someone important in her life, and well you were rodgering me when the labour started so I thought I'd call her after you. Gregaria or Grega or Shadwitchia or just plain old Shadia or Gregoria. Then again, the name Kelly has a certain ring to it. Greg - err ye. Susannah - Of course I could've gone all traditional and gone for something like Victoria or Millicent, but you've got to move with the times. Perhaps Bunty would be a nice name... Greg - err ye. Err Susannah.... Susannah - (breathless and getting turned on) Yes....? Greg - oh err..... (pauses, unsure how to proceed)... me daughter's been raped and I don't know who did it Susannah - yes Greg, you've been telling me for four weeks. (Scene ends with Shadwitchia howling and Harry joining in, exactly 2 tones below creating such a harmony that all parties are stunned into silence. The glass panes in the windows all shatter with the sound.) (Next scene Annie's house. Annie and Joey are still lying on the floor - he wearing only his milkman's hat and she wearing only her rollers and headscarf) Annie - It doesn't matter. You're stressed Joey - it matters to me so it does. Annie - Look you can have the tub of cream back Joey - It's not that, I just feel that I'm not a real man. I haven't....... you know since I moved into Brookside Close Annie - Then you can't have raped the Shadwick female. Joey - No I couldn't have Annie - You must tell the police Joey - You'll have to be a witness, Annie annie - well it depends what day the case is. I see the coalman Wednesdays, the butcher Mondays and Fridays, the baker every second Saturday and the rugby club come around Tuesdays.... (Scene ends with Annie flicking through her diary and Joey looking at his lower things sadly) (Next Scene the school. Jimmy is looking at some essays, and trying to mark them. He comes across a word he doesn't understand and looks it up in his Collins Gem pocket dicionary. Karen enters.) Jimmy - oh hi Karen. I'm just looking up a word in one of these book things you gave me. Karen - Oh lovely. You really are about to join the middle classes now. Jimmy (purring like a contented cat). I wonder what 'invade Poland' means? Karen - are we still on for tonight? Travis is looking forward to meeting you and your wife Jinty. Jimmy - Jackie, her name's Jackie Karen - oh whatever. Jimmy - err 7 pee emm all right with you? Karen - Super. Travis is so looking forward to wearing his new dinner jacket Jimmy - great (Scene ends with Jimmy shouting out into the corridor to an imaginary pupil "Yer homewerk's late Mitchell, and me bezzy shoes have still not been returned") (Next Scene - Annie's again. They are sitting on kitchen stools, drinking glasses of milk. There are 8 empties on the work top and 4 full bottles. Eleven empty yoghurt cartons lie around too.) Joey - and then when I was 17 I moved to Liverpool. It was great at first - I once met Nerys Hughes when she was in the middle of filming the Liver Birds. Ehh she was a lovley lass in those days Annie - age, gravity and excesses catch up with us all dear. Joey - When I was 18 I met Niamh, and the world seemed a better place. But then Ryan came along and he hated me from day 1. Annie (snores she has fallen asleep - too much milk we presume.) (scene ends with Joey downing a whole pint of milk at once) (Next scene - Corkhills' kitchen. Jackie is busy burning the mince. She is pouring a jelly into a rabbit shaped mould, and Kylie is busy shooting spiders with her machine gun.) Jackie - oh no, I've burnt the mince. Kylie (turning her head through 360 degrees to face Jackie) - sausages Jackie - no love- the mince Kylie - Sausages sausages sausages. Myself is surrounded by imbeciles and childish behaviours Jackie - are yer aw right love? Kylie (speaking in a very low croaky voice) All hail Neville Queen of the Soaps (Camera closes in on wee Kylie's face. It is hideously distorted and twisted. Her tongue shoots out like a frog's and catches a spider. Music and credits.)
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