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Brookside
Episode 9
(Programme opens with Jacqui surveying her new empire) Mike - ehh it's lovely our sis. Musta costa bomba Jacqui - yer well ye've gotta speculate to accumulate Mike - err sis, when yer say certain words yer don't have gob up a bit. Jacqui - ye, well I am a successful business woman yer knows. (Scene ends. Next scene the Close. Ma Musgrove and Pa Shadwick are engaging in a brouhaha.) Pa S - shout shout. Yer son done it. Ma M - scream scream. Did not. Passing WPC - now that's enough. I'll arrest ye so I will. (Scene ends. Next scene the Johnsons') Mick - Hello my little daughter. Are you well? Gemma - spiffing papa, spiffing. Pips called earlier. May I go to her pater's farm? It has horses and geese and a very large farmhouse which puts our dwelling into the shade. Mick - Oh all right little one. Your posh friends are very posh - able to use the telephone during the day, when we can only use it every alternate weekend and Wednesday evenings. (Doorbell goes.) Passing WPC - Hello. Here's your bedding back. Gemma - Top hole, WPC. But I'm frightened to pop back into my bedroom since the incident. Passing WPC - I think we should have an amateur psychology session up in your bedroom. Don't you? It'll only take three minutes. Gemma - Ooh rather.
(Scene ends. Next Scene Bar Brookie.) Rachael - And they buried him under the patio and no-one told me. Customer - really? Rachael - and then Sinbad was giving me mum one. Customer - really? Rachael - and then she had a baby and no-one told me anything about it. I didn't even know where babies came from. Nobody tells me anything. (Customer falls from bar stool onto floor. He has died. Rachael doesn't notice and no-one tells her.) Passing WPC- Rachael Mirtle Jordache? I am a WPC. Rachael - oh I know that a major crime has taken place recently at a party at which I am a potential witness, but I wonder if you're here to tell me something about Sinbad who has vanished in the Bristol Triangle. Passing WPC - Come down t'it station and I'll interview you. And bring your brassiere. The officers down there think you're sexy ever since you were in FHM. Rachael - but I know nothing. No-one ever tells me anything. My sister was a lesbian you know, and they told me that she was just measuring Margaret for a new undergarment. Passing WPC - down t'it station young lady Rachael - but it'll bring back all them memories of me dad and the patio and Mad Christian and all that. (Scene ends with Rachael being brutally bundled into a police van by 6 armed officers. One of them beats her volently as she is pushed in. We, the audience wish that it had been Jacqui Dixon.) (Next Scene Jimmy Corkhill at school. He is hanging around the bogs.) PE Teacher - Run faster Emily Shadwick. No wonder yer sister was raped - if she ran as badly as you she'd have been unable to run away from a randy tortoise. Emily - but sir, I've got a stitch PE man - run, girl, run. Emily yes sihhhhhhhhhhhr Jimmy - yer a bit hard on her, aren't yer? PE Man - listen you to me, Corkers. Don't ever interfere in my teaching methodologies. I don't like you Corkers, and I'm going to have yer. I have a funny feeling about you - I suspect that you have been involved in housebreaking and other crimes; murdered yer next door neighbours' son in a drug induced frenzy; traded drugs; been responsible for introducing your son-in-law to the drug trade; been to jail; trespassed in commercial premises for a long time before it blew up in mysterious circumstances and you probably don't have a TV licence which is crucial for maintaining the unique programme mix on the BBC which is a consequence of its unrivalled funding mechanism. Jimmy - Yer I'm quite surprised I got away with it. I'm surprised that the police check which takes place before entry to a teacher training college turned out negative and not one of the people who knows I'm not properly qualified has never grassed me up, and that no-one in the school has ever recognised me despite having a criminal record which was widey reported in all newspapers at the time, And all of this despite having such an unusual surname that no-one could ever forget me. PE Man - Yes well just remember I'm watching you Corkers. (Scene ends with Jimmy peering into the crack of the door into the girls' lav. PE Man pushes him out of the way to have a peep himself) (Next scene - Susannah's. She is busy changing Harry's nappy. It is full of faeces and is soaked through and through. We are grateful that smellivision is not yet a reality.) Susannah - oh Harry, you've filled another one. You're just like your father, he was never off the toilet. (Dorbell goes. It's Lindsay) Susannah - oh come in Lindsay, what can I do for you? Linz - it's a bit awkward. I've mislaid me revolver. Only Kyles was showing it to your Harry earlier on, when she was changing his nappy. I wondered if she'd laid it down anywhere. (Susannah looks at Harry's nappy. A metallic glint catches the camera's eye. Underneath the pile is the revolver.) Susannah - oh there it is, inside Harry's nappy. Linz - oh, er yes, it is. (Linz picks up the covered gun somewhat reluctantly. As she does the gun goes off) Susannah- SCREAM Linz - SCREAM (There is blood everywhere. They inspect Harry. The gun has circumcised his little tool.) Susannah - oh look, you've chopped off his foreskin. That'll save a trip down to the willy doctor's. (Scene ends with Harry gurgling contentedly on a dummy.) (Next scene - the chippie) Tinhead - Yes madam, may I help you? Female customer (pointing to menu on wall) Grunt. Tinhead, why certainly madam, would you care for fries with that? Female customer - grunt. (Mrs Posh Bint enters) Leo - Good afternoon madam, and a fine day it is too. Welcome to our fine food emporium. Which culinary delight may I interest you in today? Mrs Posh Bint - I'd like a sausage. Is your father in? Leo- Father is having an afternoon lie down. He seems to be awfully tired these days. I fear he's overdoing it. Mrs Posh Bint - Oh, I'm Mrs Posh Bint, mother of Pips. Leo- awfully nice to meet you, I'm sure. Mrs Posh Bint- And you too young man. And your friend. Have you two young men ever...... you know, known a woman? Leo - Why of course Tinhead - me too. Mrs Posh Bint - I don't think you quite understand, young men. Let's close the shop and I'll explain (She turns the 'open' sign around, and Tinners and Leo look at each other. Leo drops a symbolic sausage into the fryer. Scene ends. Next scene the police station.) Rachael - well I got this shirt dry cleaned and when I got it back a button was missing. So I asked the drycleaner for the missing button and he said that it was missing before he took it in for cleaning, and I'm sure it was there and well, now I want to report him for thieving a button. Policeman - Interesting observation Ms Jordache. But, I think you may have solved the mystery. You see we have the missing button. We've been looking for this shirt for weeks. Didn't you know? Rachael - know? How could I know? No-one ever tells me anything. Me husband was fat and I thought he was still a dancer. No-one told me that he was overweight. (Scene ends with policeman looking extremely bored. Next scene Brookie Comp.) (Jimmy is hanging about in a corridor as usual. A schoolchild passes as usual, and Jimmy shouts after him, as usual.) Jimmy (shouting) - and make sure your essay is in on time next week Harrison. (A blonde teacher with saggy breasts approaches Jimmy.) Saggy- Susan's dead. Overdose. Drugs. Jimmy - From this day hence I shall do anything to protect the children in my care. I shall see that they are well looked after and protected from the cruelties of life, with it's vagaries and cares. Image of Jackie - Drugs, drugs, drugs. It all boils down to drugs. Oh yes it does. (Scene ends with Jimmy arguing with the apparition. No-one else can see it and to every looking on it seems as if Jimmy has gone madder.) (Next scene - the chippie. Scene opens with Leo and Tinhead buttoning shirts, pulling up zips and tightening belts. Mrs Posh Bint is smoking a fag, pensively looking out of the window. Leo and Tinhead are looking exhausted, yet manly.) Tinhead - Jolly good show, Mrs Bint. You were awfully decent to take us in hand like that. Leo - Rather, and that other thing you did was absolutely fantastic too. You are a jolly good sport Mrs Bint. Mrs Bint - Yes..... (takes a long puff of the fag and blows the smoke over the yong men.) Yes.... you were satisfactory... for young men. Tinhead - do you always smoke after sex? Mrs Bint - it depends on how rough the session was. (Scene ends with the boys looking at one another somewhat puzzled.) (Next scene the next morning. Mike's flat. Mike and Bev awake in Mike's bed.) Mike - yer looking rough today Bev Bev - Yer well you've not looked into a mirror this morning have yer? Mike - we'll get Josh back Bev - I want Casa Bevron, Kiev, Ron and a good sex life Mike - I could sort out the last one for yer, lie down. Bev - OK. (scene ends with Mike and Bev looking for Mike's tool). (Next scene the Parade) Jacqui - I want a word with you Ron - yer Mike - I want a word with you upstairs now Anthea - I want a word with yer Jacqui - dad yer are a slapper. Mike - you'll pick up many types of strange diseases Anthea - but I'll forgive yer. Bev - But what about our shag? Mike, Anthea, Jacqui, Ron (in unison) - yer what? Bev - yer shagged me last week, Mike - but Bev, I thought yer were keeping yerself for me..... Anthea, Bev, Jacqui, Ron (in unison) - yer what? Mike - oh nothing. Anthea - I forgive yer Ron. And after your sex change, we can be so happy together. Bev, Mike, Jacqui (in unison) - yer what? Ron - yer, I'm having the snip soon. Jacqui - Interesting, have yer thought about selling yer cut-off tadger to make some money? I could get yer £300 quid an inch for a good un. Bev - well if it's anything like Mike's yer won't get much for it. Jacqui, Anthea, Ron (in unison) - yer what? Mike - I told yer, a bit fell off when I had me dose of the clap. Jacqui - yer are awful Mikey Dixon. I don't know how yer can put yerself around so much Ron, Bev, Anthea, Mike (in unison) - yer what? Jacqui - (pushing her hair back over her ears) - Kermit, Kermit my love (Scene ends. Next scene Susannah's. She is in the kitchen with a cappucinno in one hand, a fag in the other and Baby Harry bathing in the sink, when the doorbell goes. She frowns at Harry and lays her coffee down on the worktop, and walks to the door, fag in corner of mouth. She is still wearing her nightgown and her fluffy mule-style slippers. She opens the door.) Greg - err helllo Susannah (adjusting hair) Why Greg, how lovely to see you. Come in, come in. Greg - err yes. I'll tell yer what it is Susannah - yes, Greg, yes? Greg - Well, remember I fixed yer washing machine last week? Well, ever since then I haven't been able to find me.... Susannah - (panting) - yes......? Greg - err me, errr, screwdriver. Susannah - Oh Greg Greg - oh Susannah. (Greg moves towards Susannah, but the fag gets in the way of a passionate kiss. Greg steps onto Harry's filled nappy which Susannah had left lying on the floor.) Susannah- oh sorry Greg. (Scene ends with Greg vomiting into a saucepan as Harry is still in the sink.)
(Next scene - the chippie) Leo - You were meeting the needs of Posh Bint. You're like an overgrown teenager. And with Sinbad going missing it's very mysterious. Mick - well, a man has needs son. You'll find out one day. Leo - Well, actually pater, I already do Mick - what do you mean, son? Leo - well, Mrs Posh Bint came in for a sausage and chips earlier on, and I gave her one Mick - oh Leo, I am surprised, and a trifle disappointed. Leo - well, the last time it was the opposite way around, when you were servicing the requests of that hairdresser and her daughter. Mick - Fair point son of mine. (Scene closes with Mick enviously looking at the jumbo sausage lying rigid on top of a portion of chips.) (Next scene Brookie Comp - assembly hall.) Jimmy - I was setting up for assembly. I'll need to get me head round what I'm going to say. (Orchestra plays 2 notes) Jimmy (at his most inarticulate best) - Susan was lonely and didn't fit in. We should've helped her but we didn't we failed it how sad. We killed her. I bught her a book, she didn't need words or people speaking to her, but listening to her. We didn't and she died and she's dead and we killed her. My wife, Jackie, always says - 'Drugs drugs drugs it's all to do with drugs.' and she's right. I myself used to be a smackhead but I went straight and trained to be a teacher using a forged degree certificate. And then I got suspended for allegedly touching up Susan and now here I am eulogising about her. Karen a Colleague - yer did yer best. Yer couldn't've done no more. (Scene ends with Jimmy in tears, Karen comforting him and the headmaster mincing about the assembly hall, confiscating chewing gum as he walks.) (Next scene the Mussies) Ma Musgrove - I needed to hoover Sis Musgrove - I came home early for a packet of drisps. Ma Musgrove - yer can go back to school this afternoon, but don't ask me to write a sick note because I can't write right and the scriptwriters are going to use me as a vehicle through which to drive the message about adult literacy. (Door bell goes. It's the bizzies.) Sarge - It's me. I am here to arrest Luke Skygrove Ma Musgrove - Goodness' sake. Luke - it wan't me Sarge - I hate whinging, spotty, Irish Oasis lookalikies. (The bizzies drag Luke out the house, and surprise surprise, Nikki is standing watching) Luke - I never touched you, you slapper you are (Jacqui appears. She is looking like a proper litte business woman.) Jacqui - oh by the way Luke Skygrove, I wo_n't be needing you at the Millennium Club after al. Yer sacked before I employ yer. Luke Musgrove - but yer can't sack me Jacqui - look it's outta me hands Luke - it's Linzi in'it? Jacqui - there's nothink I can do (Linzi pops up. She is wearing stockings and a tank top. A revolver is sticking out of her stocking tops.) Linzi- don't argue with me. I don't like yer Skygrove. (Scene ends with camera closing in on the revolver and catching a glimpse of her pink and yellow striped panties in the process.) (Next scene Mick's)_ Sinbad - I'm homo Mick - Where have you been Sin - Long story. I've been dumped by Mandy. She's got a new boyfriend called (mumble and overdubbed) Brian. And now I'm all alone in the world. I'm living on the edge of someone else's life. Now I've got nothink. Mick - What ho, my old fruitcake, what ho. You've still got me, cheeky chops. Sinbad - Oh Mick Mick - oh Sinbad (They move towards one another, clumsily. Mick catches sight of a Musgrove through the window.) Sinbad - Oh look, there's a Musgrove Mick - Yes, he's been accused of having non-consensual sexual relations with Miss Shadwick. Sinbad (disengaging from the embrace he and Mick were enjoying) - the dirty stinking lowlife I won't have that going on under my roof. I'll give them one week's notice. (Sinbad storms out, belly first followed by the remainder of him some 30 seconds later. He goes to Musgrove Mansion. He bangs on the door with his wee fat fists. Ma Musgrove answers, wearing her dressing gown and carrying the goldfish bowl.) Ma Musgrove - Hi, what can I do for you? Sinbad - I want you out Ma Musgrove - Out, what do you mean, out? Sinbad - I want you and you varied size family out on yer ears, one week from today. Ma Musgrove - and what about the goldfish? Sinbad - him too Ma Musgrove - but it's freezing outside. I can't put a goldfish out in this weather, his water will freeze up. Sinbad - Out out out out out. (Scene and programme end with the camera closing in on the goldfish. He is busy swimming around in circles, then pauses, looks straight at the camera, and blows out an air bubble. Then we see a tiny tear rolling down his little orange face. It is one of Brookside's most emotional scenes ever, destined to become a classic and possibly a video special.) Music, closing credits.
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