|
|
Brookside
Episode 5 Episde opens with the Musgroves garage. there are many Musgroves in various states of repose. The Musgroves fart in unison, to the Brookside tune.)
Mus 1- Cor I'm stinking so I am
Mus 2- Ye, yer are.
Mus 3- Shurrup you two, I've got a bird here, and she's needing attention.
(Camera pans to Mus 3's bed. There is a bulge.)
Mus 4- Yer are a pervert yer are
(Mus 5 gets up. He is wearing a tee shirt and boxers. He approaches Mus 3's bed, and pulls back the covers. Shock horror, he is fornicating with one of Mick Johnno's chicken)
Mus 5- Me next
Mus 6- no it's me next
Mus 7- no way it's me next.
Mus 3- Look ye bunch o' perverts ye are. I don't want any of you next, I've just made love to dis lovely little chicken.
(Mus 9 Jumps into scene from the rafters)
Mus 9- How many of us are there?
Mus 10 (with Brummy accent) I'm not sure Miss Diane. Can yer show me the way to Shughie Macfee's kitchen.
(End of scene. Next Scene opens inside the Musgrove mansion)
Mus 11- Oh mam, dere's no milk left for me corn flakes
Ma Mus- ye well don't blame me. If yer dad had had some self control all these years and left me alone we wouldn't have fornicated quite as much and had quite so many children. Ye can't expect one pint of milk to go far with 23 kids.
Pa Mus- Oh I need a drink, pass the washing up liquid our Niamh. I've no money left- I'm being blackmailed at work, I've a fine to pay, and the milk round ain't what it used to be with the opening up of so many supermarkets in the area. No wonder Ron Dixon's mobby closed down.
{Niamh opens fridge}
Niamn- where's the chicken that was in here? I was going to cook it for the tea.
(Scene closes panning over guilty looking Mus bros numbers 7-20)
(Next scene- Sinbad and Tinhead. They are still in bed togehter, Sinbad wearing a night cap and Tinhead wearing Sinbad's boxers as a duvet.)
Tinhead- yer snoared again last night.
Sin- I was dreaming
Tinhead- ye, well just don't cuddle me when yer dreaming again.
Sinbad- Timothy, you are a fine looking young man
Tinhead- I don't do tings like that. Now put yer false teeth in and get up and make the breakfast.
Sinbad - ooh give us a cuddle
Tinhead- well just a quick one.
Sinbad - ooh yer a lovely piece of chicken.
(Scene ends)
(Next scene opens with Jacqui on a buiding site, pickaxe in one hand, mobile phone in t'other and a delightful builders bum for all to see. Susannah is strolling around, pushing the pram through the piles of bricks/cement mixers etc.)
Susannah- Ooh lovely bum, Jacqui. I'm dead big on builders' bums. I could turn all lesbian with you looking like that.
Ron- ooh Susannah, you too!
Susannah- well maybe not
Jacqui- stop it you too, dat's disgusting dat is. Dat's real disgusting. There's somethink I need to say. Ron- what?
Jacqui- well there's been a problem with the buildingk site.
Susannah- oh no, what is it Jacqui?
Jacqui- well we've discovered a shallow grave here. Apparently Barry Grant bumped off more than just little Danny who Terry thought was his son but turned out to be Barry's son. There's 42 bodies here.
Ron (adjusting his bra straps) Ooh fancy. It's enough to turn a girl's stomach. (He opens his handbag and takes out a hanky and holds it to his mouth.) Jacqui- Yer, it's going to hold up production in the club- what with this and the fact that when me dad blew up half of Brookside witht the dodgy gas fitting which nearly killed Kylie more's the pity he failed, and that's upset all of the drains around here. There's an underground lake here, and a family of rare Turkish Brown Tongued Toads has settled. There an endagered species and we can't ave them.
Susannah- oh we could sell them in the new restuarant- toads tongues are a rare delicacy. ff Ron- oh give me good old English food anytime. I much prefer me Baltis.
Jacqui- Yer right Susie. Catch the little bastards.
Ron- Language, Jacqui, Language. There are ladies present.
(End of scene. Next Scene, Jackie Corkhill in the garage. Jackie is just finishing serving a non-speaking customer)
Jackie- Ye I think yer army tank will run on 4 star OK. Just pull up at pump 5, and be sure to switch your engine off. Oh ye, and don't point the gun at the window chuck.
(Camp Peter enters)
Peter- oooooooooooooh Jackie yer needing a new perm. Yer split ends are awful
Jackie- oh I know. But me husband's been suspended for child molestation, me daughter's turned into a gangster, me son's dead, and me other son runs me ragged. I've had a terrible life. I wish I'd never left Coronation Street. Still at least Jimmy doesn't do drugs no more.
Peter- have yer seen our Linz?
Jackie- Oh she's in Bar Brookie having a high powered business meeting with an international hair styist who presents the hair slot in Richard and Judy, oooh it's not the same since they left the Albert Dock. He is desperate for a job. Then she's going to be meeting Tony Blair, he wants to book an appointment for Cherie, and then she's back at the chippie at 3 o'clock.
Peter- Oh I don't know what I've let meself in for marrying a high flyer like your Linz.
Jackie- ye, she's certainly turned out to be a cuckoo in the nest.
Peter- and me a big Harry hoofter. What chance have I got?
(Ron enters, wearing a nice wee skirt and a wonderbra.
Ron- Can ye fit me in for a perm, Peter?
Peter- ye, no problem
Ron Great (removes hair piece to reveal a bald head) I'll pick it up later.
Jacqui- Yer putting the weight on Ron
Ron, Yer, I think I'm pregnant. And I don't know how. I've been a very careful girl.
Jacqui- what can I get yer love?
Ron- well I was hoping for a date with that soldier out there, the one with with the tank
Jacqui- and the big gun?
Ron- oooooooooh yes please.
(Scene ends. Next scene the Shadwicks. Nikki is hungover, and vomiting into a saucepan.)
Greg- Yer an awful state.
Nikki- what day is it where am I why am I in this soap?
Greg- yer are a disgrace to the writer's imagination. Look at yer wee sister, a great runner with a funny forehead which makes her look like a creature out of Star Trek. And yer brother is just as bad, putting it around half of the neighbourhood.
Nikki- What day is it? who are yer? Did I vomit in a taxi last night?
Greg- Yer, yer did. And yer mam's away again on her union business, and yer brother's away sowing his wild oats and all.
Nikki - ooh well I tink I'll go and get ready for a party................. I've a feeling it could be fun. Let's just hope that there's not another rape at it - first of all Sheila Grant, then Diana Corkhill then Lindsay Whatshername and all in one short street. It couldn't happen... could it?????????
Greg opens the fridge door, and Sinbad is inside the fridge eating a chicken's leg. Music, credits and ends
|