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Brookside
Episode 4
Story so far
Ron is becoming a lesbian and has openly admitted his secret to his two delightful children Mike (dose of the clap Dixon and Jacqui (foghorn) dixon.
(Episode opens with Susannah looking out of her bedroom through binoculars at Greg Shadwick's builder's bum.}
Susannah (on phone talking to Jacqui)- Well I need to know when the restuarant opens so I can hire a chef, I want it all to be so twee. Ooh Greg's just bent over and his bum is so lovely and tight Oh I could fair let him stick a Christmas tree up.
Anyway, I'll have to go. Katrina, Greg's son's girlfriend who was just a ne-er-do-well until only 3 weeks ago but who suddenly seems to be a qualified nanny who has worked in America for years and years, has just appeared. By an outrageous co-incidence, she's looking for a job and I'm looking for a new nanny. How convenient. anyway, bye Jacqui, I need a diet coke. Ooh Greg, you're such a tease...
(Next Scene Bar Brookie)
(Mike is behind the bar as usual, just handing over a drink to a non speaking extra. Rachael is muttering away in the background about how nobody tells her nothink and how nobody ever listens to her)
Megan- Hi Mike. Isn't it lucky dat I stopped tings before dey went too far last week. Imagine if you'd given me one like whatwe wanted to do? We'd have been as bad as those Simpsons that your Jacqui was telling me about- incest and all dat.
Mike- Ye, well I'm still game- in the last six years I've had 3 women- one was Lindsay Corkers, another was a whore I met in a club and the last one was Mrs Bell Simpson. I gave her the clap you know. So yer can see how desperate I am.
Megan- Well come and have a bit if yer like, but remember we are brother and sister even although up until 5 weeks ago I was just an idea in a scriptwriter's warped mind. But remember, I don't like yer dad, and I can moan like your Jacqui when I'm having an orgasm.
Rachael- I then I said to Beth 'what's that funny red stuff on the knife'?
Mike Well, anythingk Mick Johno can do, I can do better. Come into the back shop.
(Mike and Megan go into the hitherto unseen kitchen for a quickie)
(End of scene, next scene the chippie)
(Mick and Jo are just buttoning up. The camera opens on a dead chicken, and pans over the chip pans to Mick:s bald head and Jo's heaving breasts) Jo- Now was I or was I not better than a dead chicken?
Mick- yer well its a question of what yer used to.
(Jacqui comes in)
Jacqui- got rid of dat body yet?
Mick, yer, it's under Rachael's patio.
Jacqui- but Mick, it can't be!
Mick- why not?
Jacqui- Rachael doesn't have a patio.... she lives in a flat
{Mick and Jo look out of the window. There floating in the air is the dead body. It is like a wartime barrage ballon floating about 10 feet off the ground.}
Jacqui- I'll use dat as a advertising balloon for me new club.
{End of scene)
(Next scene Susannah:s bedroom)
(Susannah is on the phone)
Susannah- well Greg I'm lying here between my nylon sheets, the ones that Julia Brogan gave us for a wedding present after me and Max got married after having been divorced but before our two kids died in a minor car bump, and I need you to come over and price a little job for me. I have a crevice needing filled in, and you're the man to do it. Come now, Ron's got custody tonight of Harry and we've got the house to ourselves. Hury hurry, before I go off the boil, I am 7 months pregnant you know even althought the gynacolegist said I'd never have another baby having contracted the clap from Bell Simpson's home made scones, last time I nip over her fence for a cuppa.
Greg's voice (over phone)- yer well, I'd love to plug yer crevice but I don't think I can fit it in until February 12.
Susannah- but I'll pay the going rates
Greg- ok love, I'll slip over later.
(Susannah hangs up and opens up a newspaper bundle beside her- horror shock it's chicken and chips from Mick's Chipperie.)
(Episode ends as Susannah gobbles the chicken. As it goes down her throat, the camera zooms in on her mouth. We see the chicken' tiny little chicken feet wriggle, trying to escape. Theme tune.)
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