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Brookside
Episode 8
(Programme opens with Greg gnashing his teeth as Men in White remove various items from Mick Johnson's house.) Mick- What ho, chappies. How much more are you taking? Men In White- Well we need the carpet, the bed, the wallpaper, the lavvie pan, the upstairs landing, the cat, the toilet paper, the posters on the wall, the bedside cabinet, and the floorboards. Mick- Goodness me, you are taking a lot. Sarge- This is a police investigation and we can do what we like so there. Mick- I say, officer, you are a wag. Sarge- I'll have yer for that. I hate black people {apologies to all, but I'm trying to reflect modern policing}. Now where were you on the night in question? Mick- Well I was slipping a Black and Decker to Posh Bint. But it's a bit awkward- she is married and our daughters go to private schools. The headmistress would be outraged if she knew. Oh and incidentally one of our Gemma's Special Sheets - the one with the school motto embroidered on the corner has been half inched as they say around here. Sarge- Address of Posh Bint? Mick- Well Mrs Bint is on holiday with Businessman Bint, her husband. They have a little holiday caraven in Barbados you know. (Scene closes with Tinners and Leo fighting over knitting patterns.) (Next Scene the Shadwicks) Greg- Shout shout shout Nikki- ..... and I hid the sheet in me dad's rubbish bags. Sarge- Where do you tip your rubbish Shadwick Greg- It's a bit dodgy so it is. Me mate Dobbers dumps it Sarge- Not Dobby Dobson the fly tipper? The whole world would be a better place if people disposed of rubbish in a proper fashion. In fact if more stuff was recycled then even less tipping would be required, and mother nature's finite resources could be preserved for future generations (Brookside is often used as a vehicle for preaching messages to its audience). I hate people who don't respect the environment, Shadwick. I view attacks on the environment as personal attacks on myself. This method of disposing of rubbish is grossly inappropriate, and an infringement of the rules governing this newsgroup. Greg- ok, Neville. (Sarge leaves, arrests Joey Musgrove. Greg and Jason jump on the roof of the car.) Jason- gnash gnash gnash gnash gnash Greg- shout shout shout shout shout Jason- Yer are a rapist and I am not very chuffed. Gnash gnash gnash. Greg- and I'm bloody furious - pervert. Shout shout shout.
(Scene ends)
(Next Scene Mike and Ron in Bar Brookie) Sarge- I'll need you down the station Mike Dixon Mike- I used to be a student and I got a 2,2. Sarge- I hate students. Mike- Oh Sarge- and we need yer pants. Mike- ok. Ron- Am I a suspect, Sarge? (Sarge looks at Ron, his breast, his new blouse and Neville the Wig) Sarge- Are you a man or a woman? Ron- I am a pre op transexual Sarge- I hate transexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals and transvestites. Ron- Oooh yer are awful. Me daughter's a successful business woman yer knows. Pubs, clubs, hairdressers, rentawomb, elocution classes etc. Sarge- I hate capitalists. (Mike lifts his pants out from under the counter. He had been using them as a cloth for wiping the bar. They are stiff.) Sarge- I hate that colour of pants. (end of scene.)
(Next scene- Shadders' place again. Everyone is shouting at Nikki, accusing her of having been drunk, incapable, a slapper, drugged, a virgin, not a virgin, not drugged, not a slapper, not drunk etc. It is very noisy, and we are glad when the scene ends.)b
(Next Scene Ron in bed. Neville the Wig is on the polysterene head on the dressing table as usual.)
Ron- and then Bev came back into me life Neville- Sausages Ron- and now I've to pick between Anthea, mother of me love child and Bev, mother of Josh who's really me grandson. Neville- Sausages. (Door bell goes. Ron jumps out of bed and we see his lovely night gown. It is clear that he is not wearing a bra as his breasts are hanging rather low. Camera follows Ron to door. Ron opens the door. Mick Johnson is standing there.) Ron- Hello Mick me old mate, what can I do for yer at 7 o'clock in the morning? Mick- It's somewhat embarrassing Ron old fruitcake. May I come in? Ron- (beginning to think that Mick is interested) come in then, big boy. Mick- Nice dressing gown Ron Ron- (arms folded under his breasts) thank you, Michael. Would you like to sit down? Mick- Thanks awfully Ronald. Ron- (realising Nev the Wig is not on his head.) I'll just pop upstairs and sort out me face. (Mick awaits Ron's return. Whilst waiting, he lifts a few ornaments and puts them into his pocket. Private schools are very expensive, and he has to keep on closing the shop early to see to Posh Bint.) (Ron comes down. He has slipped into something sexy and revealing, and is wearing his red scarlet slingbacks.) Mick - Nice shoes. I like red shoes. They turn me on. Ron (sitting down beside Mick on the settee)- you've got lovely thighs Mick. (Ron slides his hans up Mick's knee) Neville- Sausages. Yer a baldy b###### Mick Johnston. You're needing a wig Mick- Oh goodness, your toupee is talking Ron. Neville- I am not a toupee and any suggestion that I am not is a gross slander upon my character. Fortunately I am mature enough to rise above such scurrilous allegations. I am a wig. (SCENE ENDS) (Next Scene The Musgroves) Grandpa Musgrove- Eeh by gum, lass. Yer man's nuttin' but a drunken drunk Mrs Musgrove- Don't go on dad. It's not his fault that he picked up a drink again, got drunk, drove the car, bumped it, lost his licence, forgot to pay the building insurance, doesn't talk to our eldest son, is being blackmailed by a taxi driver and is about to lose his jobs.
(Scene ends with Grandpa removing his false teeth. Next Scene- the station again) (Sarge is interviewing many a Musgrove) Sarge- I hate paddies and scousers Musgroves- so do we Sarge- So who did it Musgroves- Not us. We prefer DIY Sarge- I hate self abusers. (Scene ends. Next scene Millennium the Marquee) (Jacqui has built an Olympic sized swimming pool, the largest club in the North West, leisure facilities etc. It is a fantastic place (she tells us) and paid for for less than 100,000 ponds. Brookside likes to think its viewers are gullible.) Jacqui (on mobile phone to PR company)- no I don't want inflatable condoms at the launch party. The greased bananas will be fine. (Switches of phone)- Wallies! Rachael smiles admiringly at Jacqui. (Scene ends. Next scene the Close. A taxi draws up and drops off several Musgroves just as Nikki takes a walk for the first time in weeks- {what a coincidence}). Ryan Musgrove- Just because I've been to Australia and picked up fancy southern hemisphere ways doesn't mean I'm the rapist. Luke Musgrove- No and just cause ye tore me shirt and turned me down after snogging me does not me I'm the rapist. Ma Musgrove (to Ma Shadwick)- Are ye going to have all my men questioned and interogated? You and yer drunken daughter are naught but a pair of slappers. Ma Shadwick- Just you leave me and me daughter alone. I'm a big figure in trade union circles- I've met John Prescott you know. Ma Musgrove- Right that does it. I'm having no more. I challenge you to a wrestling match to sort this out. Ma Shadwick- Yer on. Tomorrow at dawn. (Scene ends) (Next Scene Tomorrow at dawn. The residents are lining the street. Ma Musgrove stands at one end. Ma Shadwick stands at t'other. Ron is out in a nice sky blue skirt with his favourite slingbacks on, Neville the wig is perched atop his head, and is flapping gently in the breeze. Jackie Corkhill is standing cross armed, muttering away to Jimmy - 'Drugs Drugs Drugs, it's all caused by Drugs'. Jacqui Dixon is on her mobile phone to Steven Speilberg) Jacqui- yer Mr Speilberg, I can sell yer the film rights. The true story of two rival women who fall out over their children. It's all very dramatic up here yer know. Ma Shadwick- yer family has ruined me Nikki's life. Jason- Gnash, gnash gnash Ma Musgrove- Will you leave the men in my family alone? All 34 of them? Pa Musgrove- I need a drink. Ryan- I may have adopted fancy Antipodean ways, but I didn't do it. Nikki- Mope mope mope Ma Musgrove- are ye ready? Ma Shadwick- ready. (The two ladies approach a large mud wrestling arena, and climb aboard. The fight commences. End of scene.)
Next scene Millennium Club Jackie- (on mobile phone)- What do you mean you can't deliver? Yer I know it's New Year's Eve. You were recommended by a business Associate. I am not at all pleased. Yer I know that there's a world wide shortage of beefburgers caused by the scirroco winds blowing storms over the plains of Western Saharan deserts and damaging all of the nomadic existences of spice traders, but yer can't expect me to delay the opening of Liverpool's most happening place. Linz- hello all (teeth glow. Linz approaches bouncers and knees him in he groin. As he doubles over in pain, she gives him a nasty punch in the face.) Linz (whispering to prostrate bouncer)- get out of my club ya scumbag. And tell Rose Finnegan that I said hello. I'm the big cheese around here these days - I'm married to Pete the Feet, the campest curler this side of Carlisle. anymore trouble with you and I'll set him onto yer - he'll perm yer to death. When my Pete asks if you wanna dye he don't mean yer hair ok? Bouncer- groan groan groan. (Kylie enters carrying her Kalashnikov machine gun. She sees her mummy, and fears she is being attacked by the nasty man.) Kylie- I'll help you mummy (she aims and fires and kills bouncer) (camera closes in on Linz she is in tears.) Kylie (running to Linz)- what's wrong mummy? Linz- oh nothing sweetheart, it's just that I'm so proud of you. You've grown up today- you've become a ganster. (Linz walks over to the body with Kylie, dips her finger into some blood oozing from his temples and marks a cross on Kylie's forehead with the blood.) Linz- with this blood I proclaim you a spawn of the devil Kylie (in a strange guttural voice)- I should be so lucky, lucky lucky lucky Jacqui - oh no. What are we going to do with the body? Susannah - well, you do have a problem with the burger supply. Perhaps we could..... Linz yer means...... Jacqui - Well it would solve the problem of missing comestibles. And Brookside is not afraid to tackle serious social issues. Cannibalism has never been successfully tackled by a UK soap since Gillian Taylforth was caught (allegedly) trying to eat her boyfriend on the slip road of a motorway. Susannah- Yes, well if you hold the body, I'll cut it up. I used to watch chef in the kitchen at Grants when a piece of meat came in. I'll soon have a few hundred burgers knocked into shape. Kylie - me help, me help? Linz- (laughing affectionately) of course darling... [Programme closes with a close up of Kylie's mad eyes, and the Brookside theme tune plays.
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