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Brookside
Episode 2 The story so far. Mike has bumped of Jo's husband and is storing the body in the back of the chippie. Ron has just eaten an out of date chick. Ron leaves the chippie. Jacqui and Mick look at each other. Jacqui- Did you really do in the husband of the woman who has been panting after you since she clapped her peepers on you at the school concert when your wee Gemma was playing the part of a donkey in the nativity play at the school whose fees are so high that you've had to start watering down the vinegar? Mick- look Jacqui, it's not what it seems. I went around there, and yes I did have a gun, and yes Jo (she's the panting woman) did ask me to do him in. Anyway, as I waited for him I got to feeling a bit randy Jacqui- Oh I know, I know, I know Mick- Anyway I was just about ready to look for a frozen chicken to, you know, meet my urges when Mr BusinessMan walked in. 'Hello,' he lisped in a camp imitation of John Inman from his glory days in Are You Being served.' Jacqui- oh my god, dat's disgusting dat is. Mick- ye well I looked at him and I looked at the dead frozen carcass of the chicken (who must've had a little life of its own once upon a time) and I jumped on him. He sighed 'c'mon big boy, sock it to me' and I did. Trouble was he had a weak heart. Jacqui- you mean? Mick- Yes Jacqui- oh my god you killed him with your....your.... weapon? Mick- ye, I killed him with me chip peeler. I'd left it in me jeans. And I stabbed him in the.... Jacqui- Ye I get the picture. But there's somethink I need to know. Somethink I must ask you. Oh it's nothink.. No there's somethink.... Mick- ye, go on Jacqui- Well, how many of those chickens in the fridge have you been intimate with? Mick- well all of them suppose. It saves having to dip them in the batter. Jacqui- and has me dad just eaten one that you've slipped a length to? Mick- Yes. Jacqui- oh my god - me dad might fall pregnant. Since his last heart attack he's been on some hormone tablets to cure his condition, and they've been slowly turning him into a woman. At weekends he wears dresses and calls himself Rhona. If he is up the plum duff, we can sell the baby for 59 grand and I can use the money to buy a new club which I'll call Jacqui Disease's and I'll charge £33 admission and £32.25 for a tequila sunrise. I'll be quids in and I'll be able to make loads a money and if I make enough I'll go for a voice transplant cause my current voice is so very grating that viewers are switching off in their thousands. Mick- Haven't you forgotten something? Jacqui Forgotten somethink, what yer on about? Mick- I'm the father. That baby will be mine, and your dad will be its mother. You'll only be its half sister. That baby's mine. The money's mine. I'm going to buy out Harry Ramsden. Jacqui opens the freezer and takes out the gun. Jacqui-You don't get round me dat easily. Now big boy, beg for you life. Ron enters the chippie, clutching his heart. Ron- aaaargh Jacqui - what's wrong dad? Ron- its me bra- it's too tight and it's digging into me. Undo me straps, love. Mick and Jacqui in unison- yes chuck. They all stare at each other, and then a voice comes from the dead body which is still erect in the back shop Dead Body- look out look out, there's a lethal weapon about. Theme tune |