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Brookside
Episode 3
Story so far. Mick admitted he killed Jo's hubby with his potato peeler. Ron has admitted to his lesbian tendencies. Jacqui is hoping to sell Ron's baby when he has it. Mick, the father to be, also intends to sell it. (Mike Dixon is poncing around Bar Brookie.Ron enters)
Mike- hi dad can you loan me a tenner only I'm a bit stoney and me wages are all spent
Ron- don't you ask me for money again. Ever since you graduated with your desmond degree (two,two) yer mam and me have been so proud and hoped that yu'd get a decent job and get on in life and be a success just like yer sister Jacqui who's all a dad could ever want if you discount that horrible whining voice of hers.
Mike- but dad I've had a business opportunity. Someone's offered to flog me some knock off video tapes for a tenner and I'll be able to make videos of Mick and his chickens and all de rest of de close having a lovely christmas and I'll sell them and make a profit and wit de money I make I'll take over the BBC and land meself a role in Eastenders.
Ron- oh here yer are, even although I vowed never to help you again ever since you bedded me Bev and fathered a child to her what I thought was me own but not to worry cause I've just discovered I've got another lovely daughter Meg what's just like Jacqui and who's just as whingeing when she talks and just as clever she's in software you know got 4 A levels. Mike- but I've got a degree and you forgot to mention me dose of clap Ron- Here yer are, son. Ron reaches for his wallet, and as he does, his jacket opens and the camera closes in on his blouse. Ron has left some buttons undone and we can see his bra. Mike- dad, yer wearing a bra Ron- errr ye, son. I've been meaning to tell yer about dat. Mike- you mean, you mean.......... you've got somethink to tell me Ron- Ye, I'm changing into yer mam. Mike- but why Ron- well Anthea is a lesbian. She turned dat way in 1979 after our one night stand which I thought was just a one night stand but what gave me a second lovely daughter... Mike- we've been through all dis bit Ron- oops sorry, I got a bit carried away there. You know what the scriptwriters are like for repeating lines and having the characters say the same things over and over. Anyway, Anthea went all lesbian like after her experience with me, and now she'll only have me again if I turn into a woman. Rachael comes in Rachael- hi boys what are you two talking about then? Mike and Ron- nothink Rachael- well that's typical no-one ever tells me anythink. They buried me dad under the patio you know and told me that it was a new garden feature and never told me nothink about it I get fed up you know. Me husband used to bully me but I locked him in the bathroomfor 5 days and he posed around in his string vest and pants and nothink else. No wonder we lost so many viewers. And then our Beth went al lesbian... Ron- oh me too! Rachael- and went out with that girl Margaret who'd been encouraging Ron's brother in law who was a priest to try the ways of the flesh. Ron- well at least she kept him away from the choir boys. Not that it would've mattered in our Tony's case cause he died at the hands of Jimmy Corkhill who dosn't do drugs no more as he's now a teacher even though he has a criminal record as long as Mick's pecker and doesn't have a degree not even a 2,2 like you Mike son and now he's swanning about with his daughter who looks like a horse and who nobody fancies except you Mike, but she got you locked up in jail for drug traffickingk. Rachael- Mr Dixon, this is my spot. Stop interupting. Ron-, Sorry chuck. Rachael - here comes your Jacqui. Mike - oh god me daughter who sold her baby- me grandson- to pay her debts but nevertheless is a great success what with her club and Jacqui Disease's health club Jacqui- hi there our Mike, have yer done the dishes and tidied up and cooked all the food and served all the customers at the bar? I don't pay yer £40 a week for nothink yer know- I want somethink out of yer. And I hope yer not claiming social security or infesting half the middle aged women on the close with the clap. Mike- yes I've done what you said, and no I'm not signing on- I don't need to, I'm writing a book, it should be a best seller. Ron- eh me daughter a business woman, me survivng son a best selling author, me other daughter with 4 A levels and me other son buried in the cold groundm oh not forgetting our Josh who's not really mine but I am his grandad. And soon..... Jacqui- you'll be..... Mike- his grandmother. (Ron goes all coy, and shy and folds his arms underneath his new found breasts and smiles). Ron- Oooh yer are awful. (Camera zooms in on Ron's bosoms and theme tune plays)
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