Programme opens in Bev's flat. Shelley and Linds are sitting on a settee, at either end. As the scene progresses each edges towards the other.
Linds - ... and then I thought to myself, 'my dad is a druggie, me first husband is a dealer and me
second left me, and me daughter's got a silly name.' It was then I decided that me life had to change.
Shelley - poor Linds
Linds - ye, poor me. So I took up with Mike Dixon
Shelley - oh you must've been desperate
Linds - well him and me both Shelley. I mean, I'm not oil painting, am I?
Shelley - no, you're not, but you've got that essential lesbian attraction - my
dyke desire increases every time I see you
Linds - I feel the same about you Shelley (by now they are both near the middle of the settee).
Shelley - it's no use - you're straight
Linds - well, I thought I was
Shelley - I don't know what to do Linds. I like you.... I love you
Linds - I suppose a shag's out the question?
Shelley - well we could go for a weekend break and get to know each other...
(Camera cuts to the parade. Callum Finnegan is carting a ladder over towards Bev's window. He props the ladder against the wall and clambers up. A dark shadowy figure watches from the distance..... Camera cuts back to Bev's flat. Linds and Shelley are now both sitting in their vests, looking at each others breasts.)
Linds - gimme a kiss
Shelley - let's do it Linds
(Camera pans to window, where we see Callum's eager face peering in. Scene ends.)
(Scene 2 The Parade.The shadowy figure still lurks and watches Callum. The camera angle changes and we see the mysterious figure is Katrina. She moves slowly towards the ladder. She reaches the ladder and starts to shake it.)
Trine - get down you bitch
Callum - calm doon doll
Trine - don't call me doll, Bev Maclaughlin
Callum - ma name's no' Bev, ya stupid bitch. Noo stop it.
(Trine shakes the ladder so hard that Callum falls to the ground, landing on top of Trine)
Trine - who are you?
Callum - I could ask you the same question, you stupid cow. You are done for lady by the way, done for.
Trine - I thought you were Bev, climbing in the window cause she'd lost her key
Callum - no, I'm an evil gangster who was trying to get a few wee thrills watching some lesby in action
Trine - oh sorry
Callum - you will be doll, you will be.
(Camera pans to the window above, and we see the shadows of two lesbian lovers briefly on the curtains which are now mysteriously closed. The lights go out.)
(Scene 3 - early the next day. The Corkery. Jimmy is scratching himself through his boxers. He moves towards the kitchen and lifts up his magic pill bottle. A label attached says 'Do not swallow these tablets. Well at least no more than one at a time. Jimmy opens the bottle and takes 3.)
Jimmy - ahh me wonder drugs. They're great, but not illegal, cause I don't do illegal drugs no more. He twitches violently, and settles down into a catatonic trance.)
(Scene 4 - Shelley's bedroom. The two lovers awake, and smile at each other)
Shelley - you weren't too bad for a hetero
Linds - thanks. I'm sorry about my teeth getting in the way. Your lips will be better soon though. I just can't help having such big molars.
Shelley - ah well at least no-one'll see the scars....
(Scene 5 - Sinbad's House. Mick and Sinbad wake up, in their large bed.)
Sinbad - I didn't do it, Mick
Mick - yes you keep on saying
Sinbad - I do love you Mick
Mick - I love you too Sinbad
Tim (speaking from the bottom of the bed) nobody loves me, and I've got to sleep head to toes with you two, and your feet don't have stink Sinbad.
Sinbad - I didn't do it, Tim
(Camera pans to the garden. Ron Dixon is wearing his night gown, and is enjoying the early morning sunshine. He sees a ladder, picks it up, and props it up against Mick and Sinbad's window.)
Ron - (to himself for he is alone) - the dirty child molester. I'll see what he gets up to in his spare time. I bet he does all manner of disgusting things in there, and with two young lads in the house too.
(Camera moves back to Mick's bedroom. Tim has now got up out of the bed, and is wandering around in his boxers. Sinbad has got out of bed too, and is wearing an exceedingly large towel wrapped around his middle.)
Tim - I'm going out, today. And I'm going to wear this brand new expensive watch which Emily gave me yesterday, not that she stole it or anything like that.
(Time begins to put on the watch, and then drops it. He bends over to pick it up, just as Sinbad squeezes past to get to the bathroom. Ron's head appears at the window at this point.)
Ron (to himself, for he is still alone) - I knew it, I knew it.
Scene 6 (The garden again. A long shot showing Ron up his ladder, being viewed by a shadowy figure. It is Trine.)
Trine - (to herself for she is alone too) - I've got you now Bev
Ron - bloody disgusting, that's what it is.
(Trine breaks into a run, and reaches the ladder. She grabs the ladder and starts to shake it. She looks up, and sees under Ron's nightgown. She is shocked to see Ron's tackle)
Ron - what are you doing you silly bitch?
Trine - I thought you were Bev
Ron - do I look like Bev?
Trine (looking at his tackle again) well not anymore
(Ron becomes aware that she's looking at his privates, and uses one hand to try to close the night gown. He loses his balance and falls of the ladder. The gown catches on the ladder on the way down, and tears off, leaving Ron to fly naked through the air. He lands on Trine.)
Trine - get off me
Ron - Look what you've done you silly cow. You've torn my best nightie.
(Anthea, awakened by the noise, comes out and sees the scene)
Anthea - you've done it now Ron Dixon
Ron - it's not what you think
Trine - not it's not, Anthea, I though he was Bev
Anthea - you mean you're a lesbian too?
Ron - don't call me a lesbian, just cause I wear a night gown
Anthea - not you you silly fool. Her.
(a squabble ensues, and Jimmy 'doped-up' Corkhill passes by, quite, quite oblivious to what was going on. Meanwhile Tim comes out of Mick's house, none the worse for happenings in the house. Scene ends with Trine's mouth opening and closing like a goldfish).
Scene 7 - (Bev's flat. Shelley and Linds are now dressed, and eating breakfast with Bev.)
Shelley - more tea
Linds - yes please
Bev - I miss him
Shelley - Linds, let's go away for a weekend
Linds - ok. Shall I meet you on the corner of the parade at 7 pm?
Bev - he didn't even say goodbye
Shelley - yes. Just don't go getting abdcuted by any aliens or gangsters or anything
Linds - *laughs like a donkey* hee haw hee haw hee haw neeeeeiiiiiigggggghhhhh
Shelley - your teeth are huge when you laugh (Shelley looks slightly pained and she casually rubs her groin with some cold yoghurt - a well known cure in lesbian ranks for unfortunate bites).
Bev - I mean I didn't love him, but I got used to having him around
Linds - So, tonight at 7. I'll be ready. I'll pack something nice and sexy
Shelley - yes do that. And I'll bring along me 'Lesbianism for Learners' book to show you a thing or two.
Bev - I'll never trust another man again.
(Programme ends with camera closing in on Lindsay's teeth. A pubic hair can be seen stuck between the fron two. Music and credits.)