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Brookside
Scene 1 The Flat Jacqui is getting up. She holds a strange phallic shaped glass thing in her hand. Jacqui: Well I won't be needing that no more Debs: Are you sure? Jacqui: Ye, Nathan'll keep me right Debs: No I meant the wedding are you sure about the wedding? Jacqui: (looking like Stan Laurel, shaking her head the way he did) Yes I am. Jacqui: Ooh I must go for a pee. I haven't been since I got up this morning and I feel as if the Irish Sea is splashing around me womb Jacqui heads to the loo taking strange glass shaped thing with her. Debs opens shoe box, and bites the heel off. She places the shoe back into the box, and smiles. For the first time ever we see her vampire teeth. Scene 2 - Rachel's bedroom Rachel is feeding Beth Rachel: It's all men, I mean what goes on in yer heads? Sin: Well, a bit more than yours, for sure Rachel: My dad was evil, and I need to believe you're good. You helped us Sin: We're not all like that Rachel: then why did Andrew say what he said? Sin: He's had a hard time Rachel: Oh Sin how could you? Sin: No I meant a bad time Rachel: and what about Mike? I can't trust him to be near Beth. It's sex sex sex with all you men. If it moves, shag it. It's ridiculous. Sin: Trust me Rachel: Oh, I don't know. Come here, give me a cuddle. If you don't touch me up I'll know things are ok. Sin: Come here (they cuddle and he doesn't touch her up. Things are ok.) Scene 3 - The Close Mike and Ron are talking Mike: I'm a plank Ron: Yup Jacqui: I'll sort it out, I am good at interfering Mike: Shurrup Sinners: OK Mike you can go up Jacqui: Well done Sinners. Ron: Thanks Sin Sin: (pregnant pause) ye Scene 4 - The bathroom Rachel is in the bath, Her breasts are floating on the water. Mike is playing idly with her nipples Rachel: So do you want to marry me? Mike: Ye ok Rachel: Do you want to give me a quick one? Mike: It's all sex with you Rachel - I can't manage what with all the worry and all. Scene 5 - the Jacqui bedroom Rachel is wearing the biggest rollers known to womankind Jacqui - I will soon be Mrs Jacqueline Cuddington Rachel - I'll be Mrs Rachel Dixon, Jordache as was Jacqui - I'll be glad to be rid of dat Dixon name. It's disgusting Jacqui: Money money money, must be funny, in a rich man's world. Oh I can't wait to get me hands on his bank balance. Scene 6 - The Hall of Cuddington Musicians are playing furiously, and many Posh People are mincing around. Ron Dixon is also there, trying to charm money from the people he thrusts himself onto. Ron - and then me daughter met Nathan and now she's going to be a lady Posh Man - How fascinating (Camera pans to Susannah. She is groping Mick in a quiet corner) Susannah - oh Mick I love you Mick - yer, I can understand that hee hee hee Susannah - have you ever fancied making love inside a suit or armour? Mick - hee hee hee not yet (Camera pans to two suits of armour standing at the main door of the great hall.) (Scene closes with Mike Dixon rushing by on the way to the toilet.) Scene 7 - The woods. (Nathan and Lord Cudd are walking through the forest. Debs is hiding up a tree, her vampire teeth showing more than ever.) Nathan - how is the old mare coming on? Lord C - she's great - got her running this afternoon in the 3.15. Shall we nip over and see how she's doing? Nathan - father you are incorrigible LOrd C - That's a lovely word. I'm so proud of you being so bright and upper class and able to use big words comfortably. Scene 8 - Mike and Rachel's wedding Registrar - do you Michael take Rachel providing she won't murder you and bury you as is the wont of her family? Mike - I do Registrar - Do you take Michael Dixon to be your lawful wedded husband provided he doesn't beat you, interfere with the kids, shout or swear? Rachel -Oh I do. (Camera pans to DD who is blowing her nose and wiping her eyes.) Scene 9 - The woods again Nathan is wandering alone, thinking about Jacqui and the wedding. He looks a bit sappish. Debs jumps out of a tree. Debs - don't do it Nathan - I must I love Jacqui Debs - you can't I love you and I want to marry you and I've never had a surrogate baby and I am your social class not a bit of scouser rough trade. Nathan - you present a good argument. But I must marry Jackie for I love her with all my soul. She is pure magic in bed, providing she keeps her mouth shut Debs - Oh woe. I shall have to go sacrifice a young virginal male. (Scene ends with Nathan straightening his tie, preparing for the wedding ahead. He is a brave man.) Scene 10 - Jacqui and Nathan's wedding Vicar - Do you , Nathan Nathaniel Norman Cuddington take her to be yer wife? Nathan - (pause) I do Vicar - Do you, Jacqueline Miss Piggy Dixon take him to be yer husband? Jacqui - (pause) yer, ok. I suppose Nathan - wait a minute, I don't think you do do you? Jacqui - What do yer mean? (She rushes onto the grand staircase) Nathan - is it off? Jacqui - Dunno Nathan - I wanted you to marry me and move to London Jacqui - I'm a scouser I can't Nathan - you have no ambition Jacqui - I used to run car boot sales and own a bar and a hairdressers and did some surrogacy work, so don't say I have no ambition Nathan - (in tears) Why did you agree to marry me? Jacqui - I wanted out the club and I wanted to leave it all behind Nathan - you're not coming with me are you? Jacqui - no, I can make more money in Liverpool Nathan - do you want to keep the horse Jacqui - is it worth much? Scene 11 The great hall. Ron is stomping about furiously. Ron - And I thought I'd be coming here to live in a grand-dad suite when I got old Mike - Aren't you worried about our Jacqui? Ron - yes of course I am. What's she going to do for money? Mike - Look dad, she's upstairs crying into her frock Ron - oh my god the frock..... if she dirties it I can't take it back DD - Oooh Ron, is that all you ever think off? No wonder our daughter turned out to be such a money grabbing tartlet. Ron - Yes, I am very proud of her. (He looks around at the wealth on display and sighs. Suddenly two suits of armour walk out of a small side room.) Voice from Armour suit 1 - you were great Voice from Armour suit 2 - ye, I was wasn't I? Hee hee hee. (scene ends with a close up of Ron's slipping a painting into a bag marked 'swag' whilst everyone else is distracted by the talking suits of armour.) Scene 12 - The stairway to the grand hall (Nathan appears) Nathan - (to crowd) The wedding is off, so you can all tuck into the food and save it going to waste Ron - sounds like a good idea Mike - I'd rather not Rachel - what's happening? No-one ever tells me nothing Sin - we can take some of the drink at least Nathan - and it gives all the guests some food and makes the day worthwhile Rachel - but they're strangers, no-one knows me or tells me anything Ron - let's raid the food and drink and drive to Brookside close for a real Dixon family wedding Scene 12 Dixon's house DD, Ron and Mike seem to have forgotten that Jacqui, their daughter/sister hasn't got married and are celebrating merrily. The music is too loud to hear much. Rachel - Take Beth while we go for a honeymoon Sinners - I can't Rachel - Please. I am having a moment of clear and lucid thinking. I can see you didn't touch up wee Andrew. Hurry up, my clear thinking won't last long. Scene 13 Gates of Cuddington Hall (Jacqui is walking out of the gates, turns to look round, and carries on walking. She pulls her anorak tight, and speaks to herself.) Jacqui - (to herself) well I managed to get three hundred thousands squirreled away before he noticed. A good few months' work I think! (She grins and we see that she too has vampire teeth) Music and credits.
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