Scene 1 The Murray House, the master bedroom 2330 hours
Ma - Give me one, give me one now, go on, give me one and we'll try for a baby
Pa - I've got a headache love.
Ma - Well go an' get a paracetamol
Pa - oh if I must.
Ma - go on, and feel that my ovaries are ready tonight.
(Pa gets up and heads downstairs.)
Scene 2 Sinbad and Mick, front room, 2333 hours
Sinbad - I didn't do it
Mick - I know, love
Sinbad - But I didn't do it
Mick - I told Susannah, but she won't tell no-one.
(Front door opens and Tinners comes in)
Mick - Where yer been? Not out robbing people's houses when they're away on holiday ave yer?
Tinners - as if
Mick - well if you're sure, only that Emily Shadwick's a bad un, you mark my words
Tinners - yes Mick. What's up with you Sin?
Sinbad - I didn't do it, I didn't interfere with Andrew
Tinners - Ye - and I didn't break into a house in broad daylight with Emily Shadwick
Mick (to himself) I wonder.....
(Scene 3 The Murray Kitchen 2336 hours)
(Pa Murray is swallowing two paracetamols, and drinking some water. Wee creepy Ant Murray is looking at him from a secret room, through a photograph of the Pope, whose eyes have been cut out to make way for Ant's. Ant's eyes follow his dad as the Pope's stands with his arms outstretched reaching for money, or whatever religious leaders do.)
Pa - aah lovely
Ant - me dad's got cancer!!!!!!!!! He's swallowing tablets.
(Scene 4 Jessie Shadwick's bedroom. 2345 hours)
(Ray and Jessie are doing the biz, and Ma Hilton is lying under the bed. The camera pans from Ma to Ray's buttocks, which are bouncing merrily.)
Jessie - oh yes oh yes
Ray - ohmygoditsgreatI'venotdonethatforyears
Jessie - oh keep going. Pound me. Make me feel like a woman again.
Ma Hilton (sliding out from under the bed on one of those things car mechanics use)- I knew it Raymond, soon as I set eyes on the hussy. You are a fornicator.
(Raymond jumps up. He is naked for all to see and suddenly we the viewers find Keith Chegwin strangely attractive.)
Ray - Mum! What are you doing here?
Ma Hilton - I came to see you son. I'm going to linger awhile, raise a few Issues about people living in care and make you feel guilty and generally get in the way between you and this floozy.
Ray - Oh I see. Well, best get started.
Jessie - I am not a floozy and I shan't lie here and be insulted. She gets out of bed, and is naked. We, the viewers realise now how useful a brassiere is for the older lady in fighting the battle of gravity.)
Ma Hilton - begone ye jezebel. I shall sleep here with me son like we did in 1940. Raymond. Bed.
Ray - Yes ma (he gets in and mother climbs in with him. Jessie takes her teeth out of a glass beside the bed, and storms out.)
Jessie - I'm on the sofa if anyone wants me.
(Scene ends with Ma Hilton putting her teeth into the glass where Jessie's had been.)
(Scene 5 ant Murray's secret chamber. Ant is kneeling before various religious artefacts such as crosses, statues, photos etc., chanting to the tune of All things bright and beautiful).
Ant - God you are so powerful
my dad he is so small
spare him yet a while on earth
He's needed by us all.
His little witty jokes and
his funny little ways
He makes us all feel happy
please don't terminate his days
Marty Murray's too young to die
please make him well again
Cure him of his cancer
and take away his pain.
(Ant switches on a camera and monitor on his desk, and we can see the Murray Parents' bedroom. Pa is trying to summon up enough strength to give ma one, but is failing.)
Ant - Sinners. You'll pay for this.
(Scene ends with a camera closing in on a brightly painted garish statue of the virgin Mary herself. She looks like Bev Maclaughlin.)
(Scene 6 The Shadwicks fron lounge. 0256 hours. Jessie is lying sleeping on the couch, covered by a duvet. The front door goes and it's Jerome Jerome, in late from a hard stint at the club. He sees the sleeping Jessie, and takes of all of his clothes except his socks. He gets in beside Jessie, and gives her one.)
Jessie - (thinking he's Ray) oh ye, I'm glad you could make it
Jerome (thinking she's Nikki) wouldn't miss it for the world
Jessie - yer dead fit, so yer are. Yer've got a body of a young thing
Jerome - ye, well I am a young thing. You ready for this then?
Jessie - Use me, abuse me, make me scream
(Camera pans to Jerome Jerome's boxers, lying on the floor. End of scene.)
(Scene 7 early next morning. 0623 hours. The Shadwicks front room. Jerome is awakening)
Jerome - Yawn
Jessie - yawn
Jerome - Jessie!
Jessie - Jerome!
Jerome - do you mean that last night.....?
Jessie - did you give me one? I thought you were Ray
Jerome - Thanks! Actually I thought you were Nikki, but your boobs seemed a bit saggy
Jessie - Thanks. Oh Jerome, you were good at it
Jerome - You were good too Jessie. I think I love you
Jessie - I love you too
(The couple kiss, and the camera closes in on Jessie's wide open mouth, till we can see her tonsils, and then she closes her mouth and it fades to darkness)
(Scene 8. Kylie's bedroom 0712 hours. Kylie is playing with her crystal ball. In it she sees Ant Murray fervently praying.)
Kylie - Vermin rats and scabby fleas
give Marty Murray some disease
make it hurt make it sore
he'll sttrut his stuff round here no more.
Ant Murray he is a prat
turn him into a sewer rat
Daddy Murray, you're really worse
Thats why I save for you my curse
(Kyle rubs her hand over the globe, and the image fades from Ant to Mr Murray.)
Kylie - May your sperm swim no more
Make your wife think you're a bore
cultivate no more daft sprogs
turn Marty Murray into a frog.
(There is a flash of light, and the scene ends)
(Scene 9: Ray an Ma Hilton's room 0734hours. Scene opens with Ma sitting up in bed, knitting. Ray awakes.)
Ma Hilton - about time too Make me a cuppa
Ray - yes ma
Ma Hilton - well quickly then or I'll take ye over me knee, like what I did when you were a child and I used to beat you or lock you in the coal cellar
Ray - Yes, I remember, in fact I've just started counselling to overcome the trauma of it
Ma - Trauma my Aunt Sally. During the war we were too poor to go in for such things. Now make me tea (she slaps him around the head)
(Camera pans to Ray in close-up and we see tears in his eyes. Scene ends)
(Scene 10. Murray household Kitchen. 0812 hours. Three Murray kids are in conference around the table.)
Ant - ....... and then he took a tablet so it must be cancer
Sis - but can we be sure?
Big Bro - and how do you know this?
Ant - errrr god gives me visions. Yes that's it he gives me visions
Sis - and what happened next?
Ant - me dad tried to commit a cardinal sin with his new wife, only he did fail.....
Big Bro - Yup must be cancer then. We need to follow him to the doctor's and barge in and make a scene
Sis - you can't do such things in a doctor's
Ant - well Victoria and Susannah do it all the time
Sis - True. So, this afternoon we do it then?
Ant - we do.
(Scene ends with Ant genuflecting and spinning an incene ball around his head.)
(Scene 11. The Corkery. 0840 hours. Kylie is in the living room, watching a video of Satanic sacrifices. Jimmy appears.)
Jimmy - Hiya love. Oh I slept in this morning, but I don't needd to get up early these days as I'm not a teacher no more, not that I ever was not properly. What yer watching there Kylie?
Kylie - just some videos me got from Santa
Jimmy - eh lovely love. Now, where did I leave my prescribed medication? Cause I don't do illegal drugs no more.
(Jimmy finds the tablets, and takes 3 out of the bottle. The camera clearly shows the two in his hand, and then pans to the bottle label. It clearly says : 'Take one per day. Two per day is dangerous and may lead to symptoms of manic behaviour. Three per day will drive you mad.' Programme ends. Music and credits.)