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Brookside
Programme opens with shots of Spanish beaches, hotels, bars etc. Scene 1: The aeroplane (Bev, Linz, Jacqui, Rachael, Debs and Katie are seated surrounded by other holiday makers. An air steward is mincing up and down the aisles, handing out drinks and condoms.) Bev- Over 'ere mate Stu the Steward - coming, coming, I've only got one pair of hands you know. Jacqui - Bev, 'ow come you're 'ere on me 'oliday 'en night week anyways? Bev - well, I bought the ticket of someone Jacqui - But I hate you, you dislike me and you are a loud mouthed fool Bev - Yer hates me? What about Lindsay Corkers? Surely it's even less likely you'd have her here? Jacqui - fair point Bev.... I suppose. Linz - Well, I came because me dad, what hasn't gorra job but doesn't do drugs no more now that he's living in a bus shelter, gave me the money. Forgive and forget, eh Jacqui? Jacqui - I hate you Corkhills Rachael - Nobody ever speaks to me since me dad did his thing to me Bev - shut up Lindsay, moaning cow y'are Katie - I wonder if I'll ever get a proper storyline? Maybe some lad'll meet me as soon as we arrive,snog me and he'll live in Manor Park and I'll be able to see him when we get back. Bev - it's a bit far fetched Katie - so is having you and Lindsay here on this holiday Stu - now then dearie, what did you want? (Scene ends with Bev downing a miniature of bacardi followed by a vodka while Stu eyes up a handsome young man in the back row. Stu sorts his hair and moves up the aisle). Scene 2: The transfer coach at the airport Linz- Hey you. Me luggage is lost Fat Ugly Courier - Never mind you look lovely as you are Linz - (grabbing FUC by the genitals) Yer, but sort out me luggage or else some compo. Pronto. Comprendo? Scene 3 - The hotel foyer. (The crowd arrive and stroll through the doors. Linzi picks up an ashtray as they pass a table and slips it into her pocket.) Bev - well, ere we are. Now who's sharing with who? Jacqui - I'll do Katie Debs - I'll have Bev Rachael - I'm stuck with Linzi then. As usual, I never get a choice, I'm always downtrodden and no-one listens to me. I was abused, you see, as a child, and me mam killed me dad and now people say I look like Monica Lewinski. I don't even like cigars. Jacqui - you're whining again Rachel (scene closes with Linzi slipping a sellotape dispenser into her handbag as the receptionist searches for the keys). Scene 4 Jacqui and Katie's room. (J and K are wearing short skimpy outfits, showing plenty of thigh in an attempt to keep the male audience members attentive.) Jacqui - well here we are. Me on holiday surrounded by all me mates Katie - Linzi and Debs and Bev? Mates? Jacqui - well, no. Wonder why they're here? Did you ask them? Katie - no it was the producer. He decided that if we were doing a vacation special we'd have to drag the story over 3 episodes to justify the costs and so we needed 6 characters to add enough interest to keep it going Jacqui - I see, I see. So what'll we do tonight? Katie - dunno, go and sit in the bar and wait for some lads from Liverpool to come over and snog us? Jacqui - don't be ridiculous, the scriptwriters aren't that daft, believing the audience would fall for that? Katie - actually yes. Haven't you read page 32 of the script? Jacqui - no, I read my scripts before I go on set. That's why I always sound so surprised as I deliver me lines and why me voice always rises in pitch at the end of a sentence. Katie - Oh I thought it was method acting Jacqui - no, just poor preparation. (scene ends with Jacqui massaging sun tan oil into her breasts, tweaking her nipples slowly in the process, obeying director's orders who is determined to keep all male audience members interested. Scene 5 - The Foyer. The ensemble are seated around a table drinking cocktails with umbrellas. Jacqui - cor look at him. I bet he'll come over and snog me, then take me for a walk Katie - and I bet that stud will come over and snog me stupid, then give me one. FUC (fat ugly courier) - Hi Linzi, show me your assets Linzi - I'll kill you if you don't find me luggage FUC - Oooh Scouser Spice, calm down. I'll be giving you one before the weekend is out. Scene closes with Jacqui strolling out into the moonlight with a young man. of unknown origin. Scene 6 - Bev and Debs beside the pool. Next day, early morning. (scene opens with Bev stroking the thighs of a young man who was passing) Debs - I hate tourists Bev - yer are one yerself love Debs - I think not. I've been to Hong Kong and Peru, but I go to see the real people, not all of these tourists in tourist traps, never experiencing the real culture Bev - what, like people how they really live? You mean some people in Spain don't work in hotels, restaurants, bullfighting and souvenir shops? Well stone me Debs - Yes, I go inland and away from the crowd, and I mix with the locals. Bev - yer, well I might hire a motorbike and go to see the real Spain meself Debs- well you'll get away from the cliches of bull fighting and flamenco dancing. No real Spaniard would ever dream of dancing with a rose 'tween his teeth Bev - that'll do for me. Scene 7: Jacqui and Katie's bedroom Katie- and he gave me one Jacqui - well Robbie took me for a walk, and I ending up snogging him Katie - I didn't know you had it in yer Jacqui - I didn't he just snogged me Scene ends with actors looking lost at each other, wondering where the plot is going. Scene 8 - A boat. Debs, Jacqui, Robbie, Katie, Rachel are all looking board Debs _ I saw you snogging Jacqui - you were spying. It was just a snog after a drink Debs - are you sure it didn't go deeper Jacqui - No I just snogged him. You've no need to be jealous Debs - Oh I'm just looking after Nathan's interests Katie: you bitch (Katie pushes Debs into the sea) Debs in water _ goodness me Jacqui - I'd like to let the sharks get yer Debs - I want to look after Nathan, that's all. I'm not out to spoil things Jacqui - you are low, manipulative and devious Seagull - (passing on way from Liverpool to Africa for a holiday) - she can talk Debs - I don't just love Nathan, I am in love with him Katie - what the hell does that mean Debs- its a cliche. It doesn't make sense to me either Debs is hauled out of the water, and we are stunned to see she has turned into a mermaid. Scene 9 - A country road Bev and Rachel are riding a motor scooter, when they come across a stereotypical non-touristy village. The villagers have never seen a tourist and they rush out to greet them, bearing gifts of wine, roses, oranges and cigars. The cigars make Rachel cry as they are penis shape and it brings back memories of her abusive father.) Spaniard - you dance with me? I wear a tight black suit and I cary a rose in my mouth Bev - ok dokay Spaniard - you are first stranger I ever see (Scene closes with Spanish woman bathing Rachel's smelly feet. Rachel starts to whine about her hard life. Spanish woman doesn't speak English and she is spared the torment.) Scene 10 - Duane's bedroom Duane and Linz are doin' it. Duane - oooh Linz - gnash of teeth Duane oooh Linz picks up her mobile phone and dials home. Linz - how's Kylie? Did she go to Little Gangster school today? How's me dad, still in the bus stop? Duane - slurp slurp ooh ooh Linzi - keep yer voice down I'm on the phone Duane - you are lovely... Linz - I sure am . Now get me some clothes and some compo or I'll go naked Duane - slurp slurp Linz - must go mum, someone's coming (scene closes with a close up of Duane's hairy back. It is an erotic moment and all the female viewers faint.) Scene 11- a country road. Bev and Rachel run out of petrol, and set up a camp in the woods. Rachel - we can use my huge bra as a tent. We can have a compartment each. Bev - the moon is full Rachel - yes and I can hear wolves howling in the distance. They sound like me dad used to when he was in one of his moods. DId I ever tell you about the time my mum murdered him and we buried him under the patio and the police came and beth went to jail? Bev - snore snore (Scene closes with Rachel eating a hedgehog which she catches as it passes.) Scene 12 - the beach Jacqui - I love him Robbie - I love you Jacqui - but..... you are a lovely bit of rough Robbie I am (Programme closes with Robbie falling to one knee, and asking Jacqui for her hand in marriage.)
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