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Brookside
Programme opens in Bev's flat Bev is gazing upon her beauty in a full length mirror. she fondles her curves, wondering what lesbianism is like. Bev - Do you think I'm attractive? Shelley- well, in a rough and ready, pub closing sort of way, I suppose you would do for a turn Bev- and what would you do to me? Shelley - well, I wouldn't go near you, Bev. You're not my type. You are too much of a hard faced cow for me Bev- (picking up a hairbrush and looking temptedly at the handle) Yes, but if you did want me, how would we do it? Shelley (picking up her interior designer graphic pad and quality pencils) let me draw you a diagram.... (Scene ends with Shelley drawing birds, bees and bushes on the paper, as Bev gazes on) Scene 2: The Bar (Leanne is wandering around the bar putting on weight as she goes. She is wearing a baseball hat with the Bev logo and the word under-manager printed on. Mike is in the background looking worried, and tin'ead is mopping the floor, wearing curlers and head scarf). Leanne - .. and remember to clean up outside. Some old tramp's been sick at the entrance, and it's putting the punters of the curry Tinners - yes boss.
Scene 3: The Bus Stop (Jimmy, having taken residence in the bus stop a few days before, is chatting to an elderly lady, and pouring her a cup of tea) Jimmy - and then I moved into the bus stop, after I'd stopped me drugs, me protests and pretending to be a teacher. Woman - and a grand bus stop it is too Jimmy - well, just wait till I've finished with it. Someone's coming around later to measure me up for double glazing, and I'm getting a door fitted at both ends. I was going to put carpets down here and here, and a nice wilton in the living room area, but I think I'll make do with these old flag stones meantime. Woman - double glazing will make a difference. They put it in at the bingo recently and what a difference. You an actually hear the caller's balls bouncing now. You could hardly hear anything at all before. Jimmy - more tea? Woman - no thanks, my bus'll be along in a minute Jimmy - piece of cake? It's one of my best, and say it though I shouldn't, it is very more-ish. Woman - well, just a little wedge then, but I'll take it home. Here wrap it up in this old hanky. It's not easy living on a pension and having a serious bingo habit you know. I'm surprised you have time and space to bake here…. It's quite compact. (Scene ends with Jimmy wrapping the cake as he points to the kitchen are of his bus stop, where sits a camping gaz stove.)
Scene 4: The Doctor's surgery (Doc is performing an intimate check on a patient, when in bursts Victoria) Doc - well, I think you should eat more fibre….. Patient - it's not easy, I sell double glazing and I'm on the go all day, never got no time to sit down to a proper meal Vic - Doc I need to speak to you….. Doc - But I'm busy Patient - don't mind me…. My next calls not till 3.30 this afternoon Vic - I'm having a baby, but it's not yours Patient - I should thin knot, professionalism and all that doc Doc - shut up you, or I'll examine your testicles with my new Test-easy Testicle Squeezy Vic - I want an abortion Doc - now? Vic - no, let's drag it out for another episode or two, keep the viewers wondering if I will or if I won't. Doc - good idea Patient - yer, that's a good idea. Give the poor sods at home something to think about other than my piles (Scene ends with Vic picking up the Test Easy Testicle Squeezy and advancing in on the patient).
Scene 5: The bar (Tinners is still wearing his headscarf and rollers, when in walks Emily. Emily - Pint of bitter Tinners - you're too young to be in here, stealing handbags from Susannah Farnham, and all that Emily - I'll come in if I want. I hate Susannah Tinners - out now, you'll get me fired Emily - She's a tart is Susannah Farnham Tinners - look, Em, please go Emily - All right, but I'll be back (Camera closes in on a jar of cherries behind the bar, in which we can see the jealous face of Leanne….)
Scene 6 The bus stop Jimmy - so I want double glazing all over, and two doors fitted Double Glazing salesman (whom we now see to be the patient) (in high voice) ok, well I've got the measurements and I can have them in for yer this time Friday Jimmy - (picking up diary of his writing desk, situated in his office end of the bus stop) yer, Friday should be fine. Double Glazing sales man - ok boss Friday it is.
(Camera closes in on Jimmy's eyes which have a double glazed look of their own. He is clearly having a nervous breakdown, but no-one notices.)
Music and Credits
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