Brookside
The Alternative Scripts

Episode 6

Programme opens with Ron's hair lying on a polystyrene head.

It is singing Christmas Carols. Camera pans to Ron's bed.

Ron- will yer shut up, some of us are trying to sleep.

Wig- 'on the feast of Stephen, when the sno.....'

Ron - I wish yer'd give it a rest - I'm recovering from me night of

frustration and fear.

Wig - yer a miserable old git Ron

Ron- anymore of that and I'll trade you in for a decent wig, Neville

Gardiner.

Wig - Might Myself remind yourself that use of threatening phrases and words

are inappropriate behaviour in this newsgroup. Whilst I realise that your

postings are attempts to broaden understanding of the programme, Myself must

add that your creativity would be be employed in other areas of yourself's

life.

Ron - watch yer vocal apostrophe's Nev.

(Ron gets up, and puts on his bra and panties. He picks up Neville and

places it on his head.

He looks longinly at himself in the full length mirror and licks his lips)

Ron - yer knows, I'll be getting a nice long haired flouncy permed wig

soon - Farrah Fawcett eat yer heart out.

(Scene ends)

(NExt Scene- Jimmy at School)

(Jimmy is hanging around corridors looking like a child abuser as usual.)

Little Shadwick- hello Sirrrrrrrrrr

Jimmy- hello Emily, YEr haven't seen Susan today have yer?

Emily- No sir, but I tink she's probably at the doc's getting methadone and

a blood test.

Jimmy - yer, I suppose she might be. I'm worried about her, and despite

warnings from the head about professionalism, I'm prepared to stand here and

talk to you about her.

Emily- yer well, there's somethink up der. I mean the scriptwriters are not

going to let her away dat easily are they?

Jimmy - well I've got me bezzy coat back now, so there's no need to worry

there. Honestly, kids, eh?

Mr Gym Teacher - Shadwick get running lady, around the track and 3 seconds

of yesterday's time or no trip to the tournament for you.

Emily (looking terrified) but I can't mr Gym. I'm exhausted, me sister's an

alckie and me mama and dad argue all the time and me brother is dating so

many women and me nan is a pain in the neck and I never get anytime to

meself and our dad hasn't finished the kitchen yet and god knows whose going

to cook christmas dinner.

Gym- GO! (Emily goes) Corkers- I want a word.

Jimmy- Yer?

Gym - in me office.

(Gym goes into his office, Ron follows. They approach a pathetic bundle in

the corner.)

Jimmy- it's me bezzy coat!

Gym - yer, the one Susan returned was a decoy!

Jimmy shrieks- but I don't do drugs no more, music, credit and ends.