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Dear Aunt Diane
I like to dress up in women's clothing... and
I'm only 14! What should I do?
Love,
Sam
Dear Sam
Your problem is not unusual. You don't
state in your letter whether you're male or female, so my advice
must fall into two sections.
If you are female, then I can only say be
patient. You are a girl now, but one day you will be a woman, and
you'll be able to buy your very own women's clothes.
If you are male, then we have a different
problem. I always say that a half empty glass and a half full glass
are just the same thing, depending on the vantage point of the
looker. In your case, your glass is both empty and full and you're
at a stage in your life where you know you want to empty that glass,
but you also know that the glass contains forbidden fruit. Forbidden
fruit is always tastier than your average apples and bananas, and
many succumb only to regret having picked the road most
travelled.
You stand at a crossroads in your life.
One road leads to pleasure then pain, another leads to denial and
fulfillment, whilst the third leads to pain and then pleasure, and
the fourth goes to the road to truth and
enlightenment.
Pick a road, and never look back, for
looking back is to regret and you'd only regret
regretting.
Aunt Diane 
Send me
your problem today
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Dear Aunt Diane,
You see in your hand a letter from a desperate man. I
have been spurned in love yet I am quite the most handsome man you
can imagine.
I am heartbroken and have lost all of my confidence.
You have to help me soon as it would be a shame to have my looks
wasted.
Lonely and Confused, Fife
Dear Lonely and Confused,
Fife
You seem to have many problems
here lovey, and being turned down is the least of them. I hate to be
abrupt, but I always say that it's better to be honest than to beat
around the bush. I've beaten around the bush too often to know that
it's satisfactory in the short term, buy lacks worth in the long
term.
Basically, it seems to me that
your problem is yourself. You have such a high opinion of yourself
that the only way is down. No woman could ever live up to your
visions, and you stand so high on your pedestal that you're sure to
fall.
You need to get down there,
man, and maybe, when you're on their level or lower, you'll start to
appeal to women. Humility is the key. Get on your knees and offer
yourself to a woman. I think you'll find that it works better than
telling her how good you are.
Aunt Diane
Send me
your problem today
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Dear Aunt Diane
I haven't written to you in a
while but here I am again with another tale of woe!
The problem
happened on my holidays. After a long and tiring journey to our
accommodation in Greece, we just wanted to go to bed and get some
sleep.
After settling the children in their room we were
ready to crash out on the bed, when all of a sudden the bed
collapsed [honestly we were not doing anything].
On closer
inspection we discovered that there were only 3 slats of wood on the
bed covered by a dodgy [knackered] mattress. After complaining to
our Rep make-shift repairs were made using some left over bits of
wood and string.
Needless to say the bed was very fragile and
could not with-stand a lot of action.
Unfortunately for us were
we stayed was full so they could not change our bed.
So when
it came to filling in the questionnaire about our holiday my husband
added a page requesting compensation for missing out on his conjugal
rights due to a dodgy bed! He did add that this is very hard to put
a price on but another free holiday might help put matters right.
Apart from being very embarrassed I don't hold out much
hope.
What do you think?
Nell
Dear Nell,
Sorry for the delay in replying
to your request. I've been on holiday, sunbathing topless on the
beaches of Barcelona as usual.
Anyway, your letter interests
me. You don't really seem to be talking about your problem directly,
lovey, and I think that you are beating around the bush. Reading
between the lines, I can see what your problem is, and I must say
that problems such as these are not unusual in a couple of your age.
I used to sprinkle ginseng onto my husband's all-bran, and I always
found that this did the trick.
I always say that chickens
cross roads to get to the other side. Flying all the way to Greece
may have got your chicken over the road, but when he got there he
was still a chicken. What you need is a cockerel lovey, and I think
with some understanding and patience, you'll get it. When he says,
'I'm sorry', try to sound as if you mean it when you say, 'it
doesn't matter.' It always worked with my men, and believe me, I've
known plenty.
Aunt Diane
Send me
your problem today
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