Aunt Diane 6
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Hi it's yours truly again. I know you're in a bad state, but rest assured I can soon have you sorted out.

Read my letters, or send me your problem today.


Aunt Diane,



















Dear Aunt Diane
I like to dress up in women's clothing... and I'm only 14! What should I do?


Dear Sam

Your problem is not unusual. You don't state in your letter whether you're male or female, so my advice must fall into two sections.

If you are female, then I can only say be patient. You are a girl now, but one day you will be a woman, and you'll be able to buy your very own women's clothes.

If you are male, then we have a different problem. I always say that a half empty glass and a half full glass are just the same thing, depending on the vantage point of the looker. In your case, your glass is both empty and full and you're at a stage in your life where you know you want to empty that glass, but you also know that the glass contains forbidden fruit. Forbidden fruit is always tastier than your average apples and bananas, and many succumb only to regret having picked the road most travelled.

You stand at a crossroads in your life. One road leads to pleasure then pain, another leads to denial and fulfillment, whilst the third leads to pain and then pleasure, and the fourth goes to the road to truth and enlightenment.

Pick a road, and never look back, for looking back is to regret and you'd only regret regretting.

Aunt Diane
Send me your problem today


Dear Aunt Diane,

You see in your hand a letter from a desperate man. I have been spurned in love yet I am quite the most handsome man you can imagine.

I am heartbroken and have lost all of my confidence. You have to help me soon as it would be a shame to have my looks wasted.

Lonely and Confused, Fife

Dear Lonely and Confused, Fife

You seem to have many problems here lovey, and being turned down is the least of them. I hate to be abrupt, but I always say that it's better to be honest than to beat around the bush. I've beaten around the bush too often to know that it's satisfactory in the short term, buy lacks worth in the long term.

Basically, it seems to me that your problem is yourself. You have such a high opinion of yourself that the only way is down. No woman could ever live up to your visions, and you stand so high on your pedestal that you're sure to fall.

You need to get down there, man, and maybe, when you're on their level or lower, you'll start to appeal to women. Humility is the key. Get on your knees and offer yourself to a woman. I think you'll find that it works better than telling her how good you are.

Aunt Diane
Send me your problem today



Dear Aunt Diane

I haven't written to you in a while but here I am again with another tale of woe!
The problem happened on my holidays. After a long and tiring journey to our accommodation in Greece, we just wanted to go to bed and get some sleep.

After settling the children in their room we were ready to crash out on the bed, when all of a sudden the bed collapsed [honestly we were not doing anything].
On closer inspection we discovered that there were only 3 slats of wood on the bed covered by a dodgy [knackered] mattress. After complaining to our Rep make-shift repairs were made using some left over bits of wood and string.
Needless to say the bed was very fragile and could not with-stand a lot of action.
Unfortunately for us were we stayed was full so they could not change our bed.

So when it came to filling in the questionnaire about our holiday my husband added a page requesting compensation for missing out on his conjugal rights due to a dodgy bed! He did add that this is very hard to put a price on but another free holiday might help put matters right. Apart from being very embarrassed I don't hold out much hope.

What do you think?



Dear Nell,

Sorry for the delay in replying to your request. I've been on holiday, sunbathing topless on the beaches of Barcelona as usual.

Anyway, your letter interests me. You don't really seem to be talking about your problem directly, lovey, and I think that you are beating around the bush. Reading between the lines, I can see what your problem is, and I must say that problems such as these are not unusual in a couple of your age. I used to sprinkle ginseng onto my husband's all-bran, and I always found that this did the trick.

I always say that chickens cross roads to get to the other side. Flying all the way to Greece may have got your chicken over the road, but when he got there he was still a chicken. What you need is a cockerel lovey, and I think with some understanding and patience, you'll get it. When he says, 'I'm sorry', try to sound as if you mean it when you say, 'it doesn't matter.' It always worked with my men, and believe me, I've known plenty.

Aunt Diane
Send me your problem today