The Cult of Life
first I received my very own pair of sacred sandals I thought, 'these
are a funny looking pair of things.' Pastor Jack, as if reading my mind,
said, 'Ye shall wear the sacred sandals on all the crusades ye embark
upon. Ye shall wear green for earth worship, red for rescuing sinners
and whores and black for Sunday worship.'
went on a while, and ran through the different colours of sandals that I
was to wear for different occasions. Altogether I needed 14 different
pairs of sandals, and fortunately for me, the Pastor
Jack Foundation had sandals for sale, at only £49.95 per pair.
thought at first that £700 for sandals seemed a bit expensive, but then
I remembered that the Pastor had saved my life.
I bought my new sandals immediately.
The history of the
sacred sandals goes back many many years to Roman times, the Pastor
explained. Apparently in Roman times sandals were the height of fashion,
and many a Roman Beau and Belle would stroll idly along a viaduct or a
road hither and yon, flashing their sandals off to each other. The fall
of the Roman Empire was a consequence of this vanity, and sandals had a
bad press throughout the next 2000 years. The Pastor likes us to wear
sandals now to show our contempt for the corruption that was the Roman
Empire with all the debauchery that went with it. Furthermore, sandals
remind us the we are humble before mother nature, and that the
difference between life and death is like the difference between shoes
and sandals. Shoes hide the foot and stop it breathing natural air, so
that the foot becomes stale and stagnant. The sandaled foot breathes the
air, maintaining freshness and coolness when the world all around is
corrupt and odoriferous. At least I think that's how the Pastor