Sandals
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The Cult of Life

When first I received my very own pair of sacred sandals I thought, 'these are a funny looking pair of things.' Pastor Jack, as if reading my mind, said, 'Ye shall wear the sacred sandals on all the crusades ye embark upon. Ye shall wear green for earth worship, red for rescuing sinners and whores and black for Sunday worship.'   He went on a while, and ran through the different colours of sandals that I was to wear for different occasions. Altogether I needed 14 different pairs of sandals, and fortunately for me, the Pastor Jack Foundation had sandals for sale, at only 49.95 per pair.
  I thought at first that 700 for sandals seemed a bit expensive, but then I remembered that the Pastor had saved my life.

I bought my new sandals immediately.

The history of the sacred sandals goes back many many years to Roman times, the Pastor explained. Apparently in Roman times sandals were the height of fashion, and many a Roman Beau and Belle would stroll idly along a viaduct or a road hither and yon, flashing their sandals off to each other. The fall of the Roman Empire was a consequence of this vanity, and sandals had a bad press throughout the next 2000 years. The Pastor likes us to wear sandals now to show our contempt for the corruption that was the Roman Empire with all the debauchery that went with it. Furthermore, sandals remind us the we are humble before mother nature, and that the difference between life and death is like the difference between shoes and sandals. Shoes hide the foot and stop it breathing natural air, so that the foot becomes stale and stagnant. The sandaled foot breathes the air, maintaining freshness and coolness when the world all around is corrupt and odoriferous. At least I think that's how the Pastor explained it.