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Brookside
Episode 15 (Prog starts with Karen and Travis discussing the dinner party at Jimmy's the night before. They are sitting at their dining table reading very posh newspapers.) Karen - so it seems Jimmy's been to jail Travis - and been involved in drug dealing Karen - and forged qualifications Travis - What about the food Karen - and those neighbours... Travis - a mad Irishwoman whose son diiiiidnnnt dooooooo iiiiit Karen - and a transvestite geriatric with the most hideous looking wig I've ever seen Travis - and that stupid rape story......... Karen - they didn't half drag that story out all night Travis - and that Jacqui Dixo what a girl. She offered me the use of her body for 20 quid, and when I said no she tried to persuade me to join her health club. apparently she's a proper little business woman. (Scene ends with Travis and Karen sharing a grape) (Next scene Mike Dixon standing in the garage chatting to Sinbad) Mike - I didn't do it Sinbad - Well Tinhead didn't do it Mike - So what's the odds? Sinbad - Well Luke Musgrove's the favourite according to alt.tv.uk.brookside Mike - (seeing Lindsay Corkhill in the distance) - There's Lindsay Corkhill in the distance Sinbad - Phelan actually Mike - Yer, well I had a narrow escape there I think Sinbad - You're a very handsome young man Mike - I bet you say that to all the boys Sinbad - yes, I do. It's not that I'm desperate, it's just that I'm...... desperate Mike - You and Mick Johnston still not speaking? Sinbad - I loved that man, gave him the best years of my life.... (scene closes with Sinbad breaking into tears.) (Next scene Bar Brookie. Linz Jacqui Dixon and susannah are in a meeting) Jacqui - have yer picked a name yet? Susannah - well I wanted something middle class which refelcts her personality Jacqui (mechanically as if reaing lines of a page) Yes too many people picks names without thinking about the consequences. Kelley, Shelley and Mel - what horrible names Susannah Or they think of some film star or singer they admire and copy the name Jacqui - like Kylie (Susannah and Jacqui laugh hysterically. Linz is furious.) Linz - Bitches. Now what's the problem? Jacqui - oh it's just that I've been interviewing for a new stylist and no-one's suitable for the post. I want that hairdresser's to be number one in the North West. I'm offering £2.20 an hour and all I get is some spotty boy who's just off a YTS and a woman who learned to cut hair hair in the WRAF during the war. What'll I do? Linz - Peter won't come back, that's for sure Jacqui - You're very sure of that, how can you tell? Linz - I killed him. Jacqui - I'm going to the bizzies with this. (Just as Jacqui says this, Sinbad approaches. He has been eating a lot of roughage recently to sort out his Nevorhoids problem. As he gets near he breaks wind loudly. At the same time, the sun glints through a window onto Linz's teeth and, like a laser, reflects onto a piece of fancy stainless steel signage. It sparkles, and ignites the methane gas from Sinbad's fart. There is a huge explosion, not unlike the gas explosion of Ron's and Jimmy's Kowboy Kutz explosion. We the audience are left thinking we've seen it all before.) Jacqui - Help, I'm buried Linz - Help, I'm trapped Sinbad - Help, they're going to have to cut off me legs to get me out (Scene ends with a close up of a hand sticking out of the rubble. It is moving back and forth and then suddenly it stops. Is the owner dead or alive?) (Next scene the chippy. Mick is eating Mrs Posh Bint when he hears the bang.) Mick - another explosion! Posh Bint - another? Mick - yer it happens every 18 months here. It's got something to with programme ratings (he rushes outside) Sinbad - help Mick - ohmygoditssinbad! Sinbad - Mick, I love you Mick - me too. (he starts digging frantically for our Sinbad) (Scene ends with a Kylie being discovered under Sinbad's legs. She is spouting out incantations and spells) Kylie - Sinbad old man, you're on my head I think I'll have to see you dead I'll hide your body in the bins At very least I'll cut off yer pins Mick - It'll be all right Sin Sin - But Kylie... she's trapped Mick - yer, and so's Jacqui and Linz. Good news huh? Kylie - Sinbad's leg and eye of donkey No wonder that the script's so wonky (A fire engine arrives, and 40 burly firemen jump out. Ron gets quite excited.) Chief Fireman - His legs'll have to come off Sinbad - not me legs Mick - not his legs Kylie - fat man lies on top of me off with his legs to make me free fatty Sinbad- make it sore fill the screen with guts and gore (an ambulance arrives. A man called Josh jumps out) Josh - We'll have to cut off his legs. I bet you we can make it - oh damn I've just had slip* (Josh takes a saw out of his bag and gets to work. Camera pans in on Sinbad's wee fat legs. It's too late - Kylie has gnawed through his legs and has freed herself)
Kylie (licking her lips) - Mummy! (Programme ends with Kylie and Linz having a hug as Sinbad's blood spurts over the assembled cast. Music and credits.)
*this is an allusion to Casualty's Josh andhis gambling problem.
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